OMG. Instead of thinking that I might cry, I am crying. Well, sorta … my eyes are watery Anyway, I just read through Brad’s MatchMaker profile, and get this, he TOOK OUT/DELETED the part about already meeting his perfect person (me) and that he loves me! Does this mean he doesn’t love me anymore? I so have a feeling that he’s gonna break up with me when school starts ’cause he can’t “handle” long-distance relationships. Really, I think it’s ’cause he doesn’t care about me that much anymore. He never calls or IMs me first, never says “I love you” anymore … and when I sent him a wink on MatchMaker today, he just deleted it *sigh* Why does this always happen to me? Can’t I find “the one”? I truly thought it was Brad, but no, everything seems to come before me now — his friends, video games, work, etc. I’m so depressed … I thought he loved me! I love him so much, he means everything to me, I let him do stuff that I never thought I would … I don’t know what I’m gonna do when he ends it, ’cause I have a feeling he will. God, I just can’t describe what I’m feeling right now. A mixture of hate, love, confusion, anxiety, and sadness. First it was the Bolt thing, and now it’s the MatchMaker thing. What next? Me catching him cheating or something? *cries* All I want is someone who loves me. Someone I can talk to openly without worrying that they’ll judge me on what I say. Someone who’s funny and smart and HONEST and trustworthy. I don’t even think Brad wants to see me this week. We’re both going away on the weekends … he’s busy Friday … I told him I was free tomorrow night … then he’s like, I don’t know my schedule that much in advance. I mean, come on! It’s TOMORROW! If you don’t know, then why can’t you plan to do stuff with me? I dunno … I think I’m just gonna stop doing everything first in this relationship, ’cause I think he’s feeling smothered or something. I’m tired of it, too (initiating everything) … if he wants to see me, HE’S gonna have to ask. If I’m online and he wants to talk, HE’S gonna have to be the first to say hi. I know he’s more likely to just ignore me, but if that’s so, fuck him, I don’t need a guy who uses me. Which is kinda what it’s unraveling to … after looking at all of this from afar, that’s what it seems to me. FUCK. Someone please fix my blindness.

By the way, I’ve been spinning the song “Who Do You Love” by The Moffatts repeatedly tonight — it’s exactly how I feel

A lot of little things happened today. First, I saw Chris Healey (Kensington St. neighbor) at Blockbuster while waiting for Shaune to get off work, which was unexpected, yet cool!

Then, while at Tysons with Shaune, guess what song was playing on the little mall radio thingy — “MMMBop”! I totally flipped, I mean, how often does a mall play Hanson? I was like, omg, it’s “MMMBop”! Shaune was like, that’s great, Claire. Haha.

Also, since I was pissed at Dad for not letting me drive more than 5 miles at once in any car, I was just like, okay, screw that, and drove Shaune and I to Tysons. And no, nothing bad happened. It went perfectly fine. I happen to like driving long distances ’cause I can listen to whatever music I want, as loud as I want, crappily sing along to what I want, and nobody cares, lol. Plus, it’s great for “me” time The only downside is if I have to drive the Toyota, which I suck at, then get frusturated with, then get upset … like today.

I was originally supposed to drive the Toyota to Blockbuster today at 4 to pick up Shaune, but before that, my dad suggested that I practice a little (hell, I needed it!), so I did. Big mistake. I did the worst job ever of backing out of the driveway (shaking like anything), couldn’t shift smoothly, Dad got in so I could watch his feet (made it look so damn easy), then I get in again, and no matter what I do, can’t even make the fuckin’ thing move. Didn’t matter what order I pushed in the gas and let off the clutch, it stalled every time. By then I’m on the verge of tears, ’cause days ago I could do it fine, and I didn’t know what was wrong with me (nervousness mixed with hot and humid weather?). Heck, I still don’t. I hate that car! Then Dad got in and drove us back home, and let me take the van (the good car) to Shaune’s. And again made driving the thing look (key word = look) so damn easy. I swear, I will never master the stick. The day I get myself a blue, automatic VW Beetle I will never ask for anything else in my life, lol. That’s how much I hate sticks. I gotta admit, though, to whatever extent of mad that Dad was in about my sucky driving, he still let me drive the van, when originally I was supposed to call Shaune and tell her that I couldn’t pick her up. I was surprised, ’cause Dad hardly ever changes his mind to something not in his favor. Oh well, gotta give him props for that.

Ooh, idea time! I’m so gonna make a clique for people who hate sticks. Ahh … that’s gonna be so mentally rewarding when I find out that I’m not alone in my car preferences lol.

OMG. I’m really gonna cry now. I just got off the phone with Brad, and he said that the reason he hadn’t seen and called me as much this week was ’cause he wanted to see what it’d be like when I was at school, where I only come home most weekends. Then he said that since he has a lot of female friends (who all like him), it’d be better for us to just be friends during school and see what happens during the summer, ’cause he wouldn’t wanna do anything with his female friends that would hurt me (since he would barely see me). He also said that being in a long-distance relationship would be hard on him. I mean, I understand where he’s coming from, it’ll be hard on me, too, and he said he doesn’t wanna break up with me either … but, I’m just like, shocked … I can’t believe it … I don’t wanna break up with him! *cries* I know that’d it probably be best, but still, I love him so much … I suggested that we try being together for the start of school, and then see what happens *sigh* I still can’t believe it … with how much we love each other, I thought we’d be together for a long time, if not forever. I don’t know what to do …

Well, since FTP is fucked up again, I have NO idea where Brad is (or any of my friends for that matter), no one is online, I can’t go anywhere outside ’cause it’s raining … tonight pretty much sucks. Plus, my stupid allergies (or whatever they are) are acting up again, and my eyes feel like falling out. I feel like crying. Why can’t things be how they were in June, before Australia, VA Beach, Canada, Brad in Colorado, and all the other stupid shit that happened? *sigh* I haven’t talked to Brad in person in like 1 1/2 days. Haven’t seen him in 3. Haven’t seen Shaune in like a gajillion years. Me stuck at home on a Friday night is nothing new, but school will be starting soon, and this is not good for getting the most out of summer. Grr, I want to do something! I feel so crappy, and maybe getting out of the house will help, but no, I can’t, it’s raining. I’m so pissed, Brad SAID he would call me last night, but no, big surprise, he didn’t. He said that the night before, too, but the result was still the same. Ya know, that is my biggest pet peeve, people saying that they’ll do something, but don’t. Especially when it’s your boyfriend *cries* It seems like he doesn’t love me as much as he did. Just read last night’s post and you’ll get what I mean. All I’ve been doing the past few days is internet stuff and Hanson trades. That’s ALL. Nothing with Brad, Shaune, ANYBODY! I seriously think people hate me now. No one ever calls me anymore. What did I do to them? I feel so miserable now, it’s not even funny. I don’t know, I’m just bitching again. Sorry, I can’t help it, I’m just really pissed right now. Might as well go do more summer reading. Nothing better to do. See ya tomorrow with details of how Brad didn’t call me (about biking or going to the fair) again.

Okay, second try. Stupid computer froze. Anyway. If only? Yeah, right. If only Brad would call me when he says he will. If only Brad would love me as much as he did when we first started going out. If only this whole Bolt profile thing (the sexy question) hadn’t started, I probably would still be blindly believing that Brad rocks. I mean, everything’s fine when we talk on the phone and in person and stuff, but I keep noticing these tiny details that wave a red flag in my face and tell me to think twice about my “dream guy.” It’s like I have to initiate everything in this relationship … from calling first to suggesting when we should hang out. And then most of the time Brad’s like, oh, I can’t, I’m busy, I don’t know my schedule yet. Um, how about we decide on a date and time, and then you can work around that? Is that like wrong or something? And there’s gotta some time in his “busy” and “unknown” schedule to see me more than once a week. I mean, before we were hanging out almost every day! I think I’m about to go crazy. He’s not even in school anymore … that starts August 26th or sometime around there. Geez … there are only so many things/errands that a person needs to do. And then when we do get to see each other, it’s either for only like 3 or 4 hours (a short time to me), or it’s with one of his friends. Don’t get me wrong, his friends are cool and stuff, but a person, especially a girlfriend, would like some “alone time” with her boyfriend every so often, don’t you think? Especially after not seeing him in forever? *sigh* I SO bet I’m just over-analyzing again, but hey, a person can rant, can’t they? I just miss him. And I’m still kinda pissed about Lindsey, his “perfect girl,” whose mom won’t allow him to see, talk to, or associate whatsoever anymore with. I bet that if he was still allowed to see her, I would never have met Brad. I’d be history and still lonely and depressed. He’d be off in la-la land with Lindsey, the girl who can “instantly make him feel happy when he feels like dying.” Hello, Brad? What about me? Your girlfriend? The person you love and soley work for (at least that’s what you said a month ago)? I’m here! Don’t I make you instantly feel happy when you’re bummed? I try, at least, to do that, and please forgive me if my shyness/quietness gets in the way. That’s how I am. If it is, please tell me! I, for one, want things to go right. If I don’t do this … then maybe we should re-think “us.” Obviously this girl is better for you than me — who cares if you can’t see her anymore, she’s still number 1 to you — and you only going out with me ’cause I’m second-best is not something I put up with. I’m not like suggesting that we DO break up, but if I’m not everything you’ve wished for and more, why are we together? Sure, I love you with all my heart, and sure, I’ll cry and get depressed if we do end it, but I want you to be happy, and if I don’t make you feel that 100% … then, I really hate to say this, but it should end. I dread those words so much. I’d give anything for it to not happen, but if you’re suffering ’cause of me, it’s the right thing to do. And back to the Bolt thing … before I found out about the whole Lindsey thing, the girl who you said was the sexiest ever was your now-ex girlfriend, Katie. If when you were with her, you could list her as sexy, and now list another ex, WHEN WITH ME, as sexy, then why can’t you list me, your CURRENT girlfriend, as sexy as well? You’ve told me before that I am! What is up with that? I’m sorry, I know that sounds incredibly selfish, but think about it. How would you feel if your boyfriend did that? Maybe it’s not even intentional. Maybe I just have no life and notice these things ’cause I don’t have a job. I can’t help it if I’ve been on vacation all summer and didn’t have time to apply for, must less start one. Starting riding would suck ’cause I hate Woodlawn. I do like all these errand-type things each day, but still have a ton of free time on my hands. Even after reading 35 pages of summer reading. Like now. When Dad and Ross aren’t home at some freako tennis thing *sigh* I feel kinda better after getting that all out. I just wish that Brad could read this, UNBIASED and UNJUDGING, and give me answers. Not get mad over what I say, but pick out the problems and have us talk seriously about them. Especially the whole Lindsey/perfect girl question issue. That’s what really irks me. He SAID he still cared about her in his email to me about it. And that they were “practically in love, but he says practically ’cause the paradise didn’t last long.” I couldn’t believe he said paradise. I almost started to cry. Aren’t you in paradise with me? Aren’t you supposed to love your current partner more than your exes? ‘Cause if you don’t, somethings wrong. And I really don’t feel like finding out that’s true NOW after 2 1/2 months of pure bliss. Well, at least that was what I felt until now. I still love Brad, and I know he loves me. It’s just a question of how much, and if he still has feelings for Lindsey (and Katie?), and if I make his world go round. Damn, that was long entry.

It’s like LFO’s song “28 Days:”

28 days ’til I see you
I know it seems too long but listen
I gotta do what I gotta do …

Hmm, that sounds familiar *cries*

Longing for a happy thought from me? Well, here ya go: I just found out that rockstar87 and redmeridian have listed me as a favorite diary! Yay! And I thought no one came here …

*happy sigh* I’d definitely say that today made up for yesterday being crappy day number 2, hehe. First, my Hanson tape with a ton of appearances on it that I didn’t have came in the mail from a trade I’m doing (yay!), and second, I got to spend like 4 hours with Brad (which totally rocked ’cause I hadn’t seen him in almost a week). Oh, note to self: download Puff Daddy’s “Come to Me.” Haha … and stuff from Sucker, too. By the way, I’m wearing my new jeans today that I got from Macy’s on Saturday. They’re the cool kind with button slits from the knee down — I love pants like that! Hehe. I have like 2 other pairs, too. OMG, and I saw the awesomest (lol) pants at Macy’s when I got the jeans, but they were like $58.00, and my dad was like, no. They were khakis and had lots of little silver studs on them. I was practically drooling over them. They rocked. Okay, well enough about the cool pants I’m gonna go now and finish watching my new Hanson video and make that tape for Dayna (who sent me the video), but I’ll probably be back on later with an update … if anyone even reads this one, haha. Bye!

I feel like punching something. I just spent the whole night sitting here waiting for Christina to call so that we can go to the movies. But no, she doesn’t call. Doesn’t even get online to tell me what’s up. Does she not wanna be friends or something? I mean, yeah, we don’t talk 24/7 or anything, but that doesn’t mean that she can blow me off or whatever. Besides, I had (and still have) nothing to do today (which was why I wanted to hang out with her). Grr … I’m so pissed. I HATE HAVING NOTHING TO DO! I mean, I would be doing my summer reading right now, but I’m waiting for her sorry ass to get online so I can *yell* at her. Actually, no, screw her. I’m just gonna go and sign off (and start reading) after I write this and finish talking to Shaune so that I can start feeling better about my day. Hmm … here’s what I did so far: got up, went online, had lunch, took a shower, called Christina, drove Ross to the metro, called Christina 3 more times, had dinner, waited for her to call back, went online again, and now I’m here. Exciting, huh? Unless she apologizes or something, I’m not too happy about our *friendship* (or lack thereof) right now. Hello, has she even heard of the PHONE? *sigh* Sorry, I’m just mad. Anyway … “love-wise” (hehe), Brad called me twice, which was awesome. Can’t wait to see him tomorrow! And if my luck holds out, I’ll be able to something with Shaune AND Brad, which will definitely make up for this crappy day. Hehe, yay Well, I’m gonna go and finish up talking to Shaune now, so ttyl! Bye!