OMG, I am obsessed with Justin’s Yahoo profile picture — it’s so cute! Even though it’s old, lol, and his page doesn’t work anymore. Dammit, I’m so bored. I can’t do anything ’cause there’s stupid sing-sings going on and people will drag me to the Fox one if I so much as even go near my dorm, so yeah. I’m hiding out here. Hopefully Justin won’t be gone too long, ’cause I wanna talk to him again before dinner. Dude, I wonder if he still really likes me. He hasn’t said “babe” or “cutey” or anything in awhile … and I really don’t wanna have to go through two guy-withdrawal things (Brad and Justin) in one week *sigh* Oh well, I guess I’ll find out in 2 weeks what the deal is with him. If he still wants to see me again, that is. Okay, I’m weird, last year I never had a boyfriend, but now, like 3 days into being at school this year, I’m wishing for something that probably WILL happen, and already over-analyzing it and crap. But hey, at least this year, if things DO work out between us, I won’t be all guy-depressed and stuff, lol. Hmm, well I’m gonna go check out the Hanson message board now, but I’ll keep you guys updated on whatever else happens with Justin (and life) … whenever it does. See ya!

Okay, well I’m talking to Justin online now, and after awhile of running out of things to say, we started typing random smiley faces and stuff. Then he said, “would you like a kiss?” I thought he meant the smiley face kiss (I think it’s :-*), so I was like, sure, hehe … ’cause I know he likes me and stuff, lol, and he’s a cool guy. But little did I know that he meant in real life! LOL, not that it’s a bad thing, just kinda surprised … ’cause here I am, 2 days after breaking up with Brad and I already have another guy wanting to go out with me, haha. And since no one was online who I could spaz to (Shaune, Kristen, etc.), I decided to write in here, hehe.

Now I just gotta figure out if I wanna be with him … ’cause Brad was a mere 2 days ago! *sigh* I don’t know. Buy shy guys are cute and sweet, hehe. Which he was … The only downside to him is that he’s only 1 inch taller than me … if not my height, lol. But oh well, it’s not that big a deal! *swats the air* And this stupid fly needs to go away, haha. On another note, I saw Alex today! After a few agonizing moments of if Shaune would call and when/if Dad would go and what I would say to both to pull it off, but thankfully by some unknown force I am again free! The whole time my stomach was in a nervous knot wondering what Dad was up to back home, which might be one factor in why my driving sucked, lol (accidentally cut off an 18-wheeler and missed 2 exits) … but oh well. I got home in one piece and without suspicion, so I’m happy. Plus I feel loved again with Justin’s kissing thing. Which is rare, lemme tell ya … feeling loved. Up to the beginning of this summer I felt like no one truly did … but then Brad came! And then Justin (I think … ), so yeah, I’m happy. Didn’t really do much with Alex, though. I showed him my Aussie pictures and bungy video, and then we played TimeSplitters with his friend for a little while. And then we played by ourselves. I again lost badly, although I did kill him a few times! I suck so bad at that game, haha, but oh well, it’s fun! There’s definitely no chance of us having a relationship, though, ’cause of his soul-mate Annie all the way in New York (whom he loves with everything that he is). And no, I’m not gonna go and like track her down and stalk her, haha — I respect the fact that they’re perfect for each other. It’s cute! Everyone has their other half … it’s just a matter of finding them. Although I kinda do like him and he’s really cute, I’d feel weird being with him ’cause I’d always know in the back of my mind that I wasn’t “the one”, ya know? And I don’t date just for the hell of it … only if the person has the right kind of qualities and personality and stuff like that Alex also has the drinking/drug thing (although not that much), so that’s another reason why it’d be weird to go out with him. But oh well, he still rocks. OMG, Joey Lawrence’s song “I Didn’t Wanna Fall in Love” is EXACTLY what I feel right now! Hehe. Anyway, well I g2g now, but I’ll talk to all of you Diarylander people (hehe) later — bye!

Dude. MatchMaker rocks. Today I met my 4th guy from there, hehe: Justin. And lemme tell ya, it went better than I expected! Since he didn’t have a picture up or anything, I wasn’t sure what he looked like or if he even was who he said he was (since we didn’t talk on the phone either), but thankfully he turned out to be cool. He was sweet and nice, and although I crawled into my little “shell” and was all shy and stuff (think he was too, though), that didn’t keep him from indicating that he likes me, lol. Heck, I knew he did even before we met ‘Cause in chatting he would call me “cutey” and “babe” and stuff (hehe), and then today, after we had eaten and met his roommate and Dan (their friend), he was like, hmm … wanna go somewhere private and talk and stuff? I was like, sure, okay … and so we went to this couch and like talked about random stuff for about 30/40 minutes. Even though it was next to the elevators and people were coming in and out like 5 feet in front of us every 30 seconds, it was still cool. And then, dude, I could’ve sworn he was trying, or wanted to, put his arm around me during the end. He like turned and draped his arm over the edge/back of the sofa (like Brad did when we saw Pearl Harbor *sighs and has a happy flashback*), but it wasn’t like around me or anything. But oh well, I could just be mis-interpreting that He hugged me before I went through the little farecard-taker things at the metro, though. I was like, aww. Hehe. And then tonight while chatting with him I had to keep changing computers ’cause Ross had to do stuff for school, and I was like, hey sorry I keep changing computers, he said, “it’s okay, you’re worth it.” Cute, no? LOL AND before that, he said something like, “when I said you looked different from your pictures earlier, I meant you were cuter, but was too shy to say it.” How aww is that? Damn, I know this sounds horrible ’cause I broke up with Brad like YESTERDAY, but I can’t help it! Something’s wrong with me, haha. ‘Cause I’m supposed to be sad since Brad and I aren’t together anymore, and I know I will be soon when it sinks in, but for some reason it doesn’t feel like we have, unless I sit down and really think about it. Then I feel like crying. But other than that, I don’t really, although it’s always in the back of my mind. It’s weird. And everytime I think about his voice and the good times we had and all that stuff, I get depressed, but that’s only when I lie in bed at night or have a moment of quiet to myself, and it’s gone by morning for some reason *sigh* I dunno … I just hope Justin doesn’t try anything really romantic-y on me for awhile ’cause I’m still a little withdrawn over Brad and stuff. Well, I g2g now ’cause Dad is bugging me to go to bed, but I’ll talk to you guys later and give you an update on how tomorrow goes with Alex (if Dad even leaves me the van, first of all, lol) — bye!

Damn, why aren’t my buttons up there (and background) showing up? Grr! Stupid Foxcroft people must’ve deleted the directory I put them in. Double grr Well, guess I gotta make new ones tomorrow …

Yum. Just finished a pack of Arthur chewy fruit snacks. LOL. I’m addicted to those things. Anyway, today was a good day for getting my mind off Brad, lol. Seeing as how I’m already sliding into depression even though we haven’t officially broken up yet *sigh* I still can’t believe it … I am so not looking forward to another long time of singleton — hopefully Alex or that other guy from MatchMaker will find some kinda romantic spark in me, lol. But oh well. Onto the good stuff. The Toyota now has a NEW CD player and radio! Plus NEW blue fire seat covers! Yay! I was so happy when Dad let me get the seat covers, ’cause they match the steering wheel cover and dice … so yeah. Can’t wait to put them in tomorrow. Then he got me a new bluish/purplish phone for my room since the other one broke. It’s cool ’cause now I have a cordless and can program my OWN speed dial numbers, haha. Can’t wait ’til it’s finished charging (is 16 hours too long of an initial charge time? Me thinks so, lol! ) … and then (no “and then”!), I got a fire folder, pencil case, and shoelaces (yes, I know, very random) at Hot Topic. Dunno what I’m gonna use the shoelaces for (folder and pencil case = school) … just thought they looked cool. And hey, they were only $2.50. LOL. Dammit, Alex needs to get on. He said he got back from New York tonight. Even though I don’t know when, I gotta talk to him about hopefully seeing him tomorrow. ‘Cause I’m going to New York (a different part, lol) on Sunday … and then like 2 days after I get back I get to go to school for like forever, lol … so I wanna see him again before hell starts *sigh* I still wonder what he thinks of me … whether he likes me as a friend or as more than that … oh well *shrugs* Ooh, happy thought: wonder if he’ll wanna call me at school? LOL, I dunno, whatever he wants to do is cool with me. I think I’ve run out of things to say now, but since I got nothing else to do online, I figured I’m gonna blab until I either get too tired to type or until Alex gets on. Haha. Okay, ’cause I’m bored, I’m gonna write out what I’m gonna wear tomorrow and crap like that *insert usual morning shower first* Shirt = new Gap shirt I got yesterday: black, sleeveless with red and white weird Ed’s diner/vintage-looking stuff on it, and my flare Gap pants. Damn, I’m going “Gap-py”, aren’t I? LOL. For shoes I’m probably gonna wear my sneakers in case I drive there (and they’ll go with the shirt anyway). Accessories = new fire necklace I got last night at Tysons, watch, and hair band … maybe silver ring if it looks right. Then I just gotta toss my fire wallet into the van (yes, if you haven’t noticed yet, I’m obsessed with fire stuff, lol), grab the keys, and go. That’s assuming I get the van. Hopefully Dad will believe another one of my spending-the-day-with-Shaune stories and not find out that I went all the way to Maryland. And that’s assuming that Shaune still wants to go and CAN go and won’t leave me stranded again. Oh well, at least I know the way this time And if Shaune has to pick me up from here, that’s fine, too. As long as it’s cool with her (and Alex) that we spend the day at his (amazing) place, I’m happy. And it’ll take some of the Brad-sadness off me (hopefully). Oh well … what to write … Alex still isn’t on, haha. I’m beginning to think that he won’t get on AT ALL tonight. Hmmm … maybe he got a late flight or whatever and is dead tired or something. And obviously already went to bed. Although it’s only 12:41 am now. I’ll stay on like another half hour and if he doesn’t show up then I’m going to sleep. And hey, if he doesn’t show up tomorrow either, I can still call Shaune and we can do something else … like go to the pool or show off our new fire stuff to each other or something. Haha, that’d be funny … showing off our fire stuff. Makes ya wonder what else people do when they’re bored. LOL. Ah, YAY! Alex just got on! *dances around the room* Haha, sorry, mini-teeny attack there Grr … one question: why is it that guys never message you first? Why’s it always gotta be that YOU be the first to message THEM? Does anyone else find that annoying? Haha, well gonna go now and talk to Alex, so ttyl — bye!

Okay, cross out me going to Alex’s. He can’t. And insert the whole above rambling into Tuesday or Wednesday when I probably WILL see him. And insert me trying out my new phone, fire stuff, and car tomorrow … and hopefully seeing Shaune if she has time. Yeah, I’m kinda bummed about not being able to see him … but yay, he said *hugs* at the end of our convo. Hehe. Things are well in the world of Claire

*cries* Get ready for another long episode of sadness. Brad finally called me, and after talking for awhile, I have a feeling that we’re gonna have to break up I really don’t want to, I love him so much. And after almost 3 months together, it has to end. Why? I thought he was the one, I really thought that this was gonna work, but no. And even though he doesn’t want to end it either, he’s too busy with work and school and stuff, and he barely has time for that, much less me, friends, family, etc. And it’s just gonna get harder when I go back to school and his workload gets heavier and stuff … and just, *sigh*, I can’t believe it. As No Doubt would put it, I’m gonna be another ex-girlfriend. I just hope that if we do have to end it (god forbid), I won’t get depressed and cry all day and stuff. I know I probably will, though … and I just realized that whatever happens, whether we stay together or break up, I’m gonna be hurting either way. Never seeing him = hurt and breaking up (of course) = hurt. Why is love so fuckin’ hard? Plus, probably nothing is gonna happen next summer ’cause if his friend gets him this job in Annapolis, we wouldn’t be able to get back together ’cause that’s like 2 hours away *sigh again* I just want someone who’ll love me forever and ever and ever … is that too much to ask?

At least he still wants to be friends if we do break up … not sure if that’s a good or bad thing … ?

Okay, it’s official. I guess. I am horrible with guys. Either I unconsciously do something that makes them not want to hang out with me anymore, or I’m just not as interesting in person as I am over the net. Brad like hates me now for some reason I don’t know, Alex doesn’t talk to me as much as he used to … and on the girl side, Christina just plain doesn’t talk to me. What is up with that? The only thing I can think of is that after we meet, I’m always happy to see them online so I IM them … but then I notice that they never IM me. It’s always me doing the initiating. But … why does that happen? That shouldn’t be enough to sacrifice a friend/relationship! I mean, in person, everything is perfect … it’s just the online, non face-to-face stuff that gets me. If someone knows what the hell I’m doing wrong, then please let me know. I’m tired of getting my hopes up about getting to be good friends with these people, only to be shot down and ignored *sigh* The only person who actually still “liked” me after our first few meetings was Brandon, but he’s away in North Carolina in the army until Christmas. So, that doesn’t help much. On another note, even though I stayed up ’til 2 am last night watching some stupid TLC show which never turned out to be as interesting as I thought, and it’s 10 am now, and I’m not tired. I rearranged my room yesterday, and I think it looks much better. Basically all I did was put another level onto my dresser to make room for more stuff, and then clear off my desk area and organize all my CDs more … and that was basically it. But I love my room now, hehe … except for the book Endurance that’s lying on my desk, 10 pages into, dying to be finished. I don’t even know if I can read any more. My brain has been fried from the past 3 weeks of 40-pages-a-night sessions … and reading now is something that I have to force myself to do … ’cause I just can’t stand it. The only book that I semi-liked was Ethan Frome ’cause the plot kinda resembled what was going on with me and Alex … but oh well. And also probably ’cause it was only 77 pages long. Hehe. By the way, my favorite song at the moment is “Feed It” by The Candyskins (from The Waterboy soundtrack). It rocks Well, g2g check email and do all that fun stuff, so ttyl!

By the way, I called Brad yesterday. Of course, I had to ’cause he “doesn’t want to anymore” or something We talked for like 5 minutes … from his voice it was like I was bothering him. God, WTF? Can’t he just TELL ME if I’m being an annoyance to him? ‘Cause if so, I’ll stop and put you out of your misery. Then at the end, he mumbled “I love you” and it didn’t even sound like he meant it. I dunno, maybe he was just tired ’cause he said he was more than usual, but that shouldn’t inhibit your emotional speaking ability, right? *big sigh*

Man, today was SO cool! I told my dad that I was going to Shaune’s for the day, when really I was driving about 40 minutes to Potomac, MD to this guy Alex’s house that I’d never met before (we started talking after he found me on MatchMaker a few days ago) — plus, I took the Beltway and stuff to his house, which Dad would never let me do otherwise (one reason I didn’t tell him where I was really going) … and everything went fine, so I don’t see what the big deal is. I love driving long distances (for some insane reason)! Then when I get to Alex’s … his house is HUGE! And I mean, HUGE! It was so cool, like it’s out in the country where all the rich people live, lol, and he has like 3 floors, like 5 sets of stairs, an inside jacuzzi, the coolest room, a dog and a cat, a cool backyard (even though I didn’t see it, it’s gotta be awesome, lol), and a ton of other stuff. A huge stereo system in the living room, too … and some kinda black convertible Jaguar thing in the garage … even though it’s his dad’s I was just like, omg woah, dude, you have a nice house! Basically all we did (after me parking, staring in disbelief at the coolness of the house, the usual awkward introduction, and seeing his room, which was also very cool, and other little random stuff) was go out to lunch at Sbarro and play TimeSplitters, which was interesting. He kept killing me Hehe. I think he likes me. He’s really sweet and shy, although the only thing I don’t really like about him is that he does pot … but I think he’s only a social “druggie” (if that’s even the right term … ) — ’cause he didn’t do anything while I was there. Hehe, it was so cute, like he kept looking over at me and giving me these little smiles, hehe … but don’t worry, I’m not gonna like cheat on Brad or anything. I don’t like him 100% in that way yet … it’s more like around 50% But hey, if anything ever goes wrong with Brad and I, you know who I’ll be looking at Haha. Damn, I know that’s a bad thing to say … but I can’t help it. Oh well, I guess I’m just like this ’cause everything went cool and Dad didn’t catch me and he likes me and we’re friends now and stuff. Hehe. Well, I’m gonna work on my personal site some more now, so ttyl! By the way, I got my automatic clique up last night, so if you want to check it out and hopefully join, click here! Thanks and bye bye *hugs* (what Alex said to me last night before we went to bed at like 2:30 am )

Another plus about Alex is that he doesn’t care that I like Hanson! Unlike Brad, who completely freaked out when he saw my room and would rather me put up other stuff on my walls, Alex thinks it’s cool and actually wants me to bring my Hanson CDs to his house so that he can hear what their new stuff sounds like. How awesome is that? I was like, yay! *score*

Okay, ’cause I’m bored, I’m gonna list what he looked like and was wearing. I know, I’m a freak Anyway, first of all, he has shoulder-length blond hair, hazel eyes (like me!), and a goatee-type thing. He had on these dark green cargo pants, brown leather sandals, a black shirt, and brown jacket. Kinda nature-y, you could say He also had this gold necklace, but I dunno what the symbol was for. Oh, and also on only ONE hand and foot, he had chipped dark blue nail polish. I was like, hmm, okay, if that’s your thing, go for it! Hehe … his hair was also in a ponytail. Well, Dad’s bugging me to go to bed now, so ttyl! Updates about Pennsylvania and stuff next week to come. Bye!