Man, I can’t wait ’til Sunday. For one, it’s the start of Thanksgiving break, and for two, I get to see Justin again! I’m so happy! We’re gonna rent American Beauty (well, I am at Blockbuster — and hopefully see Shaune there as well — and bring it on the metro) … so far that’s all we’re doing, save for hanging out and eating something, hehe. And hopefully his roommate will leave us alone for a little bit I still can’t get over how awesome Saturday went, though. He asked me out in this non-direct way, hehe … he was like, “so are you cool with you and me?” I was like, “yeah.” Hehe I’m even wearing the sweater now that I wore when I was with him — am I crazy? I swear, I’ve never felt so perfect with a guy. I dunno why, but it was the greatest feeling to just sit there with him for hours in the back of the van, just talking and hugging and kissing and stuff, with no pressure to do anything more. He looked so cute in the dark, too — even when we got kicked out of the park by some weird cop-dog-walker-guy. At the end he was like, “hey, we only got kicked out of one place tonight!” LOL. Also, we had originally planned to leave to go back to the metro at 9, but both of us didn’t wanna leave the back of the van, hehe, so we kept postponing it ’til 10 … and I knew if we could, we would’ve spent the whole night there and probably fallen asleep with each other (he said if he had kept his eyes closed longer that definitely would’ve happened) … aw, that would’ve rocked. Falling asleep with him Can’t wait ’til my dad lets me stay the night at UMD (yeah right, hehe). Also, while we were in the van, he kept running his hand through my hair and stroking my face … I practically melted in happiness/cuteness, lol. I mean, Brad hardly ever did that … much less willingly spend 9 hours with me. Justin also gave me a backrub towards the end, which felt awesome. How did I get so lucky guy-wise? Hehe. Well, g2g to morning meeting now (and then computer class!), but I’ll ttyl. Bye!

*relieved sigh* Okay, well Brad is gone. History. Poof. I broke up with him earlier today, the hug email was the last straw. And he wasn’t even sad when I told him I was ending it, he was just like, “ok” and “good luck.” WTF? Everyday he turns into more of a bitch. And guess what else? Justin still likes me! Like, A LOT! We aren’t even going out yet, and so far he’s called me (to talk about the Brad thing), sent me a virtual hug, done the little kiss face thingy on AIM, and wants to warm me up when I’m cold, hehe. Plus, he told me about the whole Brad thing in the first place, so props to him for that, too. Aww, and he just said he was worried about me when I was all depressed and stuff. Isn’t that cute? LOL … I dunno. Aw, and Allena’s crying over some guy now … poor her, I so know how she feels. Hmm … well, g2g now & talk to Justin more … maybe get some sleep TTYL!

Well well well … look what Brad (my now ex) wrote to my friend Ashley after semi:

ou have no clue how much i wish you were here right now … i think you’re so hot, and i want you so badly … mmmm … and they way you felt against me when we hugged that night … omgosh, it made me want to sneak off with you somewhere …

I can’t believe I didn’t listen to Justin when he said he didn’t like the guy … now I know why. Thank god he told me about all this, or else I would’ve just kept living Brad’s little game. I feel so … used. And depressed. I felt like my heart had torn out of me when Ashley IMed that to me How could he do this to me? And I have a feeling that after this weekend I’ll be going out with Justin again …

Wow, it’s finally November. October went by so slow it seems. And now I only have like 2 weeks ’til Thanksgiving break — do you know how incredibly awesome that is? I can sleep in, see Brad more than 1 day a week, see Shaune, have FUN, go online on an actual PC, drive, etc. Man, I better stop talking about that or else I’m gonna get homesick, lol. OMG, I’m in love with Creed’s new song — “My Sacrifice” — ’cause it’s how I am with Brad, hehe. And with everything that’s happened with us lately, I’m hoping it’ll stay that way (too bad he doesn’t like it, though). Oh well! Anyway, man, we had a pop quiz in history today, and everybody got like a 50 *crosses fingers and hopes he’ll curve it a lot* LOL. Even the people who DID do the reading (excluding me, haha) got that. Woah, okay the guy in Connecticut who likes me was just like, “you would have to stop laughing (at my Halloween costume) to kiss me.” Uhh … what? Even though he was joking (’cause he knows I have a boyfriend), that again spins back to the previous entry about me getting tired of everybody liking me. Grr, hehe. Speaking of Halloween, mine was again boring I didn’t dress up ’cause there wasn’t any point (yeah, trick or treating on campus is real fun), went out with Erica to all the faculty houses & dorms, and still got like half a bag of candy. Works for me! LOL. Man, but I miss going out with my friends at home, staying out late, going crazy, etc. But oh well … well gonna go talk to the CT guy now, so I will TTYL.

Man, did I ever jinx myself with that last entry. As soon as I say that everything’s going awesome with Brad, it all falls apart. Get this: I think history’s repeating itself. Woah, and why are all of D-land’s images & rings not working? Hold on, gonna save this now to make sure nothing’s screwed up …

Okay, well it works. Dunno what’s up with D-land today. Anyway, so yeah, guess what happened last night. Brad suddenly decides that I’m too quiet and basically gives me an ultimatum that if I don’t get more outgoing in some way, he might break up. I was like, what? Since when have I been too quiet? And he’s only felt like this for a week. Not before when I was even shyer. But, I sent Ashley the convo and she thinks we’re gonna be okay, ’cause most everytime after he said something hurtful, he was like, I’m sorry, I’m just really stressed out right now. Or something along the lines of that. So then I tell Justin what’s going on ’cause he’s the only other person online, and surprisingly he tries to make me feel better, even though he IS my ex. He’s like, well I’ll be here if you ever need to talk. So that was kinda sweet. But then this morning Ashley tells me that he still likes me and wants to go back out with me. SOUND FAMILIAR? Uh, YEAH! It’s exactly how Brad was when I was with Justin. And now that I’m with Brad again, it Justin’s turn, I guess. God, will I ever have a normal love life? I’m getting tired of always having more that one guy interested in me. I mean, yeah, it’s flattering, but after awhile the feeling of always hurting someone else just sits as a weight on your shoulders, silently dragging you down each day *sigh* I really hope Brad doesn’t wanna break up. I love him too much, I don’t know what I’d do if he did this to me. Part of the reason I even went back out with him was ’cause he said we were perfect for each other and that he loved me more than anything and that he still really cared about me … plus, according to his site, I’m the girl of his dreams! So, doesn’t that mean a long-lasting, intense, committed relationship? I don’t wanna have to start over with someone new *sigh* He’s like, the most awesome guy in the entire world, and now things might end ’cause he can’t handle my quietness. WTF? The whole day today I’ve been really depressed & really tired, I hardly talked/smiled/etc. And no one noticed or cared except Margo (of all people), but I just told her I was okay ’cause she’d never leave me alone otherwise. And Mrs. Herbert did, too, but she thought I was just tired. Plus, she’s a teacher, and would just basically tell me to forget about Brad, which isn’t gonna happen. So, again my life has been turned upside down. I emailed Shaune about the whole thing … wonder what she’ll say. The only good things about today have been me geting an 82 (instead of the thought 75) on my English midterm, and my riding lesson being canceled. Poor Mrs. Laurie, though … how the freak did she get a dislocated nose by falling off? Oh well. *sigh* “My December” by Linkin Park and “Blurry” by Puddle of Mudd have been on repeat since last night — they are the depressing songs that explain my life right now.

*happy sigh* Aww, I had the best Brad day I love cuddling, don’t you? When we drove back to the mall so I could drive home, neither of us wanted to leave, so we just kinda hugged each other & kissed for a few minutes. It was cute. I dunno why, but I love just sitting there with him, like resting my head on his shoulder & knowing that we both love each other more than anything. That’s like, what gets me through each day, hehe. It’s like the Lifehouse song “Breathing”. Man, that’s my favorite song by them, I’m in love with the lyrics, hehe. “‘Cause even if you don’t wanna speak tonight, that’s alright, alright with me. ‘Cause I want nothing more than to sit outside heaven’s door and listen to you breathing, that’s where I wanna be, yeah … ” Aww, happiness Grr, but now I can’t see him for 2 weeks ’cause he has a camping trip next weekend, but oh well, guess I gotta get used to it. And hey, all I gotta do is remember what I said above, and I’ll be fine By the way, my fingers hurt for some reason. It better not be that stupid carpal tunnel syndrome or whatever. That’s the last thing I need, lol. Well, gonna go to bed now ’cause I’m really tired (plus, have a sleep-in tomorrow — score!), so I will TTYL.

Haha, Erica (my roommate) is so funny! I was just upstairs in our room, and we were making fun of each other — I mean, come on, she seriously thought today was Saturday. She was like, no, it is! OMG, that was so funny. I was cracking up. And then she makes fun of me for saying “okay” all the time, hehe. And then I called her special ’cause she could see through the crack in the door. LOL, aren’t we stupid? Haha. Aw yeah, Brad just got on! I need a Brad fix I haven’t talked to him in what seems forever (a day) … ’cause I fell asleep last night instead of going back online, and when I woke up the next morning I was like, CRAP! It’s 7 am and I fell asleep! LOL. But yeah … oh man, know what sucks? I got a 75 on my English midterm. WTF? I so thought I would do better. I guess Mrs. Herbert is hard grader or something. Fun fun, really looking forward to that Haha … but yeah, well gonna go talk to Brad now — ttyl!