Man, today was another crazy day … guy-wise. First, Brad comes online and is really sad and tired, but “doesn’t know why,” and no matter what I say or do, he won’t tell me if there’s anything I can do to help him … much less talk about what’s wrong. And he knows I’m here if he needs to talk, etc., yet it’s like he doesn’t appreciate that or anything. I mean, I even told him that today, and was like, “I just really care and hate seeing you depressed like this,” and he was like, “okay, yeah, thanks”. And that was it … though he did say he was sorry for acting all weird, it’s still downgrading to me ’cause it’s like things are turning back to how they used to be — lack of communication being one of the main problems. And then — trying to comfort him — I say, “*hugs* I miss you” … and he doesn’t answer, and then signs off without saying goodbye. And doesn’t get back on. WTF? I don’t get it … I’m really trying to help him and make him happy, but it seems like that’s not enough anymore. What exactly does he want me to do? Not talk to him or something?

And then with Neil, he was finally happy for all of today, and actually helped me with the Brad thing a little, but then suddenly when I get back on after study hall, he’s depressed again … something about not knowing what the future will bring, and being alone … which I can understand isn’t a day at the beach … but yeah. Maybe I try to help people too much. Is that it? I dunno … I like the feeling of knowing that I’ve made a difference in someone’s life, but I also don’t want it to backfire, ya know? I hate never talking to Brad. He’s my freakin’ boyfriend, he’s going through a rough spot right now, and I’ve talked to Neil like 10 times more than him this week. Something about that isn’t 100% right … isn’t it supposed to be the other way around? I really wish there was something I could do Brad-wise, but I’m drawing a blank. I don’t even know if he wants me to help him. Everything is so fuzzy now … why can’t things be the way they were New Years Day … when I saw him for the first time in months, and we actually seriously talked about stuff? Like it mattered? But now that’s all come undone … my mind keeps noticing the little things that scream to be noticed and my heart tries to ignore them *sigh* Will things ever change? For good?

BTW … check out the original poem I’m reading for English tomorrow:

Blinded by the Light

Take my hand
Lead me through the web of life
Show me what you know and then
Step back to watch the light
Come burning through my hazel eyes
Shining steady strong
Illuminating miles and miles
Dancing to my song

Follow its path around the world
Through freezing frozen ice
Across the sandy dry deserts
And through the land of scythe
Into the depths of oceans blue
Racing through black space
Across the mountains of the world
And don’t forget my face

Now what you need to do is this
Just close your eyes and mind
And take your wisdom back inside
As well as me for all of time

Ahh! I feel a slew of sleepless nights coming on. I’m worried about Brad … he’s not just sleepy tired anymore, he’s more like exhausted tired … and I know that definitely doesn’t feel good, nor is it healthy. I hope he gets better soon. And it’s also not that fun, ’cause he doesn’t feel like talking much, and of course with me I get all paranoid and start thinking that something’s wrong relationship-wise, even though it probably isn’t And tonight Neil declared his undying huge crush on me … I was like woah, ’cause with every reply he’s saying something along the lines of how I’m so nice and cute, and I’m just in shock like … dude … I don’t deserve this much attention, lol. And woah, he just wrote me three more poems! I don’t know what it is I do, but he says I’m an inspiration to him:

#1:
It would be nice,
if I could think twice,
about how you make me smile,
but I would like,
to treat you right,
and we can maybe talk for a while,
yet your so great,
I cant debate,
on how you brighten my day,
your so funny,
cute as a bunny,
and make my sadness go away …

#2:
and i look into your face
your words speak of grace
my sadness you embrace
caring
and baring
a once broken boy
you take my frown
turn it upside down
talking
and walking
i hope i dont annoy
fixing my tangle
your such an angel
my downward spiral
you put to an end
cleaned the wound to mend
my heart that was shattered
and battered
with so much trust
i wish i must
tell you become my greatest friend

#3:
let me hold your hand
it would be grand
if we could stand
side by side
day by day
face to face
you and me
i look you in the eye
please dont you cry
your heart i gave you
was mine
and in time
for when you care for me
help me see
the truth from the inside
dont let me hide
i want to tell you
you make me a better person
always
forever

Just .. *sigh* … I wonder how Brad really feels about me. I know he loves me, etc … and that’s he’s feeling kinda down … I dunno, just some stuff that happened before (i.e., me initiating a lot of things) is happening again, which is kinda freaking me out. But I’m sure it’s just another phase that will eventually pass, and soon I’ll be in Brad’s arms again, and everything will be fine *happy sigh* I miss him …

Fuck … why isn’t the pop-up menu on the left working? *sigh* It worked fine yesterday. Stupid computers.

Aww look, Neil wrote me another poem! Man, I never knew I could affect somebody this much:

with 2 knives in my hands
how could anyone understand
the pain she put me through
im still alive because of you
i close my eyes for just a while
thinking of reasons why you make me smile
for reasons i will never know
ill catch your attentionn just dont let me go
i dont want to go down that cold river bend
my life with you, a really great friend

Okay, and wtf was up with Ms. Heidi making “quiet hours” tonight basically the same thing as study hall? I mean, she wouldn’t let me online, we couldn’t use the phones, she put the bottle doorstop thingy on my door, and just … grr. It was annoying ’cause I wanted to stay online all night, lol. Blah, and I have school tomorrow! *pouts* But oh well, at least I don’t have riding. My schedule’s still the same though. It’s not that bad, I just don’t have a double sleep-in or anything. And still have riding during the day, but guess you can’t really complain about that. Except in the winter it’s friggin’ cold. Well, people are gonna start making me go to “bed” soon … but dunno if I’ll get back on. I do need the sleep, but according to the Barenaked Ladies, who needs sleep? LOL.

Blogger isn’t working right now, so this is dated 1/20/02 at about 10:30 pm.

Ow. I hate cramps. Man, I think I’m actually gonna go to bed early tonight. I know Brad won’t be on, and I gotta catch up on my sleep before actual school starts up again on Tuesday. I also put my flannel sheets on my bed, so that’ll be nice. I also missed Erica by like an hour or 2 today … but oh well, I’ll see her tomorrow. And omg … Neil is being so sweet to me … I dunno why, but he keeps saying I’m an angel and stuff. Aww.

I didn’t do anything today except sleep and see Brad. At first I just kinda lay in bed for a few hours ’cause it was really cold in my room and I didn’t feel like getting up, but then Brad called at exactly 12:30 and I was all awake (like I actually got out of bed) and happy, hehe. I also got to drive the stick to his house with Dad — 5th gear finally! Oh yeah!

Brad and I watched “Up Periscope” (good/funny movie, parody of the book “Down Periscope”), then went outside for a bit so he could try out his new 2-wheeled blades and play around in the snow, and after that we just chilled inside while waiting for my dad to come. Had “The Case of the Missing Ginger Snap” lol. Also, his mom gave me this cute picture of him from senior year I think — she was like, don’t tell him I gave it to you! LOL. Got to get Sheetz for dinner tonight too, so that was good. And don’t have study hall either, so yay. Man, I really gotta work more on WNC, but oh well. I might later tonight if I’m not too tired.

Yay! It’s snowing! I’m so happy, I’ve been waiting since Christmas for this, hehe. And it’s not just some wimpy 1/4 inch that melts 2 seconds after it hits the ground — we’re supposed to get between 3 - 6 inches! The only thing that sucks is that I was supposed to see Brad today, but with the snow getting worse later on (according to my dad), I dunno if he’ll let me.

Oh and know what rocks? Since I don’t have to be at school until like 9 or 10 on Monday (instead of the usual , I just might spend Sunday night at home and drive back Monday morning! That would rock, especially if a little of the snow starts melting tomorrow, so I’ll be able to go somewhere (i.e., see Brad if I can’t today) — so that’d be awesome

OMG, guess what time I went to bed last night? 4! When usually I make myself get offline by 2. But I didn’t wanna leave Neil when he was still all depressed and sad and stuff … though now he doesn’t wanna kill himself anymore, so yay! I guess I did something to make him happy for a little bit, ’cause he dedicated a few songs by Vast to me and told me I was an angel for being there for him. Man, I hope none of my other friends decide to become suicidal … 2 is enough! Well, I really need to start working on WNC again, ’cause I haven’t since the 6th (oops … *hides*). Hehe, so yeah, gonna go get a start on that — ttyl though!

Like the new layout? It took me forever ’cause I’m a perfectionist, lol.

But … *sigh* … last night I talked Brian out of killing himself, and now I’m trying to do the same with Neil. And it’s not going as smoothly … and he doesn’t seem to accept the fact that I care about him as a friend … he’s like, no, you have Brad, don’t burden yourself with me, blah blah … I dunno, I just hate seeing him depressed like this. It sucks. And omg, I don’t know why I’m up this late. I don’t feel tired at ALL, which is weird ’cause the past 2 nights I’ve stayed up ’til like 2:30.

Okay, ya know what? I’m starting to not care who reads my stuff … yeah I’m gonna be more careful about what I write, but I’m not gonna delete my blogs/journals just ’cause what a few people reading it (that I wish hadn’t) think. Can’t change that. And it’s not like they all know this URL (I hope), so yeah. Oh well.

I went out with Brad tonight! Didn’t do much, just stopped by his house on the way home from school and had dinner with him and Jai, which was cool (and definitely entertaining) as usual. Hehe. So yeah … probably gonna see him again tomorrow too. Man, Shaune’s working all this weekend, so hopefully she can meet him tomorrow too if he comes around here. So yay … lol, in the 7 or so months that we’ve been going out, she’s never met him, haha. So yeah, gotta do that soon.

Hmm, well gonna go do site stuff now, but I’ll talk to everyone later — see ya.