Okay … feeling somewhat better. Wrote 8 pages of my 10-page human rights paper due Friday (I’ll do the rest Thursday night), and will be using online journals instead of checked-out books (which isn’t really possible anyway) for my art history paper that I haven’t started yet … due Thursday. But since it’s 5 pages, I should be able to work on it after class tomorrow and then on Thursday morning, so I’m not too worried. Hell, I did 7 frickin’ pages today. It’s gonna be amazing if I get everything turned in on time this week, one reason being I’ve never attempted 15+ pages in 4 days before. And I’m not the only one, Jessica has been freaking out too. Stupid final projects Just gotta keep swimming …

One of my euthanasia books is named after one of the prettiest poems by Walt Whitman. I don’t know if it has a title, but here it is in all its poetic glory:

Come lovely and soothing death,
Undulate round the world, serenely arriving, arriving,
In the day, in the night, to all, to each,
Sooner or later delicate death.

Prais’d be the fathomless universe,
For life and joy, and for objects and knowledge curious,
And for love, sweet love—but praise! praise! praise!
For the sure-enwinding arms of cool-enfolding death.

Dark mother always gliding near with soft feet,
Have none chanted for thee a chant of fullest welcome?
Then I chant for thee, I glorify thee above all,
I bring thee a song that when thou must indeed come, come unfalteringly.

Approach strong deliveress,
When it is so, when thou hast taken them I joyously sing the dead,
Lost in the loving floating ocean of thee,
Laved in the flood of thy bliss O death.

From me to thee glad serenades,
Dances for thee I propose saluting thee, adornments and feastings for thee,
And the sights of the open landscape and the high-spread sky are fitting,
And life and the fields, and the huge and thoughtful night.

The night in silence under many a star,
The ocean shore and the husky whispering wave whose voice I know,
And the soul turning to thee O vast and well-veil’d death,
And the body gratefully nestling close to thee.

Over the tree-tops I float like a song,
Over the rising and sinking waves, over the myriad fields and the prairies wide,
Over the dense-pack’d cities all and the teeming wharves and ways,
I float this carol with joy, with joy to thee O death.

It’s like … I can relax, fall asleep, and go to my happy place forever.

Perfect

Out of nowhere
Like a dream in the night
You held me close
You held me so tight

You kissed me sweetly
And swept me away
Away from the madness
And anger of day

I can’t complain
It feels so right
All my troubles before this
Are now out of sight

My knight in shining armor
I can’t believe this is real
It’s all happened so fast
But I know what I feel

We’ll keep on growing
Forever and a day
‘Cause you’re everything I want
And we’ll be together always

On another note, the IRBs suck. If I don’t pass the test the second time I’m screwed. WTF? They don’t even tell you what score you have to get or what questions you missed. Stupid sociology. I have a test tomorrow, too

A bad, long poem that took me forever to write (like an hour … geez) ’cause I couldn’t think of the right way to say and include all that was on my mind … I dunno if it even makes sense:

First Tears

The night before what I thought
Would be a day to remember back
Everything suddenly changes
With a tear
He says I wouldn’t get it
And I don’t understand
But he told me
That I can’t see what he’s baring
And never had … my heart fell

Wasn’t I the one
That made him happy, loved him
No matter what … and now it’s just a wish
A wish inside a dream
An unattainable division
Of a world I guess I’ve never seen
It’s all been on the inside
And I never knew ’til now

All I could do was try to comfort him
His voice was shaking
But he kept saying
I wouldn’t understand
But my heart ached to make it better
With everything we’ve gone through
I can’t let it go

Only one has gotten close
But not me
I’m too grounded, too much like the rest
Yeah that might help for sanity
But yeah right, it’s more than that
I can’t make it right
I don’t know what to do
Or what to say, to think
Everything I’ve lived for the past year
It wasn’t true
It might have occurred, have existed
But it wasn’t that of his dream

Then just what does matter
Anything at all
It’s all superficial, I haven’t even begun
To search inside
I need to start again
The perfection I thought I knew
Was just an illusion of my hope

My eyes were blurry
He wasn’t the only one to cry
If the dream he can’t have
Is all he wants
Then what is real, and what
Is just pretend … is everything we have
Just a substitute for a vision

I can’t make magic happen
If I could, I’d give him the power
To create his world of bliss
Even if it meant without me
And if I could understand him
I want to try … but if that means
Changing my whole perspective
The way I think … I’m trapped

My head says not to change
But my heart wants more than anything for a partner …
Except not by words, but by true feelings
And if it’s worth it … I’ll try
But could I really reach
His mind … there’s always something
To discover
But if I could
I just wish I could
Be his soul mate … because we’ve come this far
However far it is
But why stop now

In the end there’s the question
If nothing matters but his dream
What really am I
And what is the world
If reality is so mindless
And fantasy so far
How can I reach a balance
Where we completely know the other
And all we have is our paradise

If such serenity exists
I want it
Because if this isn’t real, that which is
Would be heaven
And if there’s a way to go there
I’ll do my best
I want everything to come together
Like two becoming one

Something I just wrote, inspired by a certain person that I don’t know what I’d do without:

More Than Words

My knight in shining armor
That rare shooting star
Light at the end of the tunnel
Which keeps me alive
Through rain and snow
The sunniest of days
All coldness has vanished
My happiest moments are in his reach
And when we lay side by side
Sharing a dream
It all seems unreal
I’d do anything to stay
‘Cause it’s the only way
The only person
And in forever
We’ll still be here