*sigh* Well, I saw Brad today for the first time in a week … and … just, something didn’t feel right. He comes in, gives me a hug, we go upstairs for him to see my *new* room, then he comments on how we probably shouldn’t fool around since I wasn’t sure when my dad was coming home, but then we do anyway. This always happens. He reassures me of something, I believe him, and because of that, my guard is down, and I don’t feel like fighting back once he goes against his statement. ‘Cause I’m a freak like that, I’m stupid and can’t stand up for my own damn self.

Then he barely kisses me the whole time ’cause he claims he’s “sick,” leaves me standing around outside at his house for like an hour while he and his dad work on the truck for his sister … and when we come back here after dinner at Memphis, my dad’s not home yet, so we play around with glow sticks for a few minutes, then go inside to see if they work under my plasma ball. After that, I call my dad to see where the hell he is (picking up my brother), and then Brad’s like, I don’t know if I should stay or go (after I tell him my dad wouldn’t be home for awhile). I don’t know about you, but if I was him, I’d wanna stay. But no, he’s like, I need to get back or else my dad will get mad, and I need sleep before work. This is after I’ve told him like twice that if he wants to stay, he’s welcome to. Even if it’s for 5 minutes. The old Brad wouldn’t have given up this opportunity, and wouldn’t have just abruptly left. He would’ve stayed for at least a little while … and we’d like, lay on the couch or something, just holding each other … *sigh*

I gotta stop thinking about those days, or else I’m gonna end up crying. ‘Cause they were so great, and I miss them … and they aren’t coming back … what have I gotten myself into? *sigh* It’s like I’m fighting something inside me … something wants to break me apart and make me give in to everything and mess up my life. And that thing is gonna win if something doesn’t change … *cries* … he doesn’t know what this is doing to me. And if I told him, he’d like freak out, hate me for thinking stuff like this, and then it’d all be over … and I’d hate myself even more for trusting someone who couldn’t deal with my real emotions.

And it doesn’t help that the people who really wanna help me, like Jose and Louie, wanna go out with me, too. All THEY do is bother me, and Jose gets on my nerves sometimes. He won’t allow me to be sad, or depressed. I mean, come on. Everyone is like that at some time. But no, he’s like, I’m gonna call you and bother you if you don’t start talking *sigh again* All I want now is to turn back time. And go back to the blissful days when I thought everything was finally perfect. Too bad that was just a dream … pure hope stained by corruption. And I can never be happy again. Brad never says he loves me anymore, either … or gives me compliments … or whatever. And he used to all the time. What the fuck is happening?

Hehe, try this (you’ll need a calculator):

1. Think of the number of nights in a week that you’d like to have sex.
2. Multiply that by 50.
3. Add 44.
4. Multiply by 200.
5. Add 102 if your birthday has already passed this year, 101 if not.
6. Subtract the year of your birth (1980, 1981, etc.).
7. You should now have 5 numbers.
8. The first one should be the number of nights you want to have sex.
9. The last two should be how old you are.
10. And the other two should be the position you like to do it in most, lol.

Haha, pretty cool, huh? Jose told me about it

Holy fuck. Taylor Hanson got married. On June 8th. To his girlfriend Natalie … yeah, at first I didn’t believe it either … but why would MTV lie about something like that? Man, it’s just crazy. He’s only 19 … and Natalie’s 18 I think. Isn’t that like, career suicide or something? *shakes head* Congrats to him though.

Last night I went to The Black Cat with Shaune, Willi, and Jen — and man, did that ever bomb. We missed the group we were originally going to see (Shaune’s cousin’s boyfriend’s band or something), so we ended up seeing like an hour of these black pride groups … and though they were pretty good, it sucked ’cause I had a headache the whole time, and felt like crap. We were also one of the few white people there, too … which wasn’t really awkward, but definitely made you feel like you were standing out. We got free tapes from this guy while we were waiting for Shaune’s dad to pick us up, though … I haven’t listened to it yet, but hopefully it’s cool.

I also went to the Delia’s group interview today … it went alright, though it was not fun getting up at 8 am, even though I was glad I didn’t feel sick anymore. They basically just took us two by two and put us on the spot for “real-life” situations to see how we would react, and then took us into the back room for a 2-minute interview. I was about 10 minutes late due to skepticism about it actually happening, but don’t think they cared that much, ’cause 2 others were like 20 minutes late … lol. Call-backs are in 1 1/2 weeks, and I have like a 50% chance (since they’re hiring about half the people who show up at the interviews), but dunno if I’ll make it … ’cause it looks like shy/quiet people aren’t really who they’re looking for.

Oh well … and after that, I turned in my applications for FYE and the Apple store … so hopefully I’ll get a response. I haven’t gotten ANY yet, and it’s been like a week since I first applied somewhere *sigh* Am I the only person who’s having trouble finding a job? I also have a group interview with Wet Seal on Tuesday at 3:30. Yeah.

Woah … today when I went to pick up the mail, there was a Sun Weekly there. No big deal, right? Wrong — pictures from Yorktown and W-L’s prom were there, and I saw all these people I knew. It was weird. Especially Daniel W. and Kristie M., they’re still going out! What’s it been, like 4 or 5 years now? Geez. And then Rob, the cheerleader-obsessed football guy. And Kristy S. — I used to play soccer with her. And Evan, this guy I used to like, was on the front page with some girl, lol. I was like, hehe, I know him.

Brad never called about Atomic Twister last night either … figures. At like 11:30 I went up to my room ’cause there was nothing to do online, and just lay there for awhile, thinking. Maybe Jen was lying and being a bitch … since she was to Shaune … but I dunno. And she can’t be jealous, ’cause she has Scott. And Jose was only reiterating what Jen told him … so technically it’s all her doing. It’s just a question of whether it’s the truth or not *sigh*

And blah … it’s raining. I hope I can go to the club with Shaune tonight. I need something to do since Brad is sick, and who knows what everyone else is doing. Oh well. I hope someone calls about a job soon, too … it’s almost been a week.

Mental note: the managers at Tysons are much nicer than those at Fair Oaks, lol. I applied at Wet Seal (interview on Tuesday) and RadioShack; PacSun (come back for Christmas break) and Gap were full for the summer; Delia’s (group interview on Friday at 9 am) is iffy since they’re only hiring for the back-to-school season; Apple and FYE stores weren’t hiring now, but would be in 2 or 3 weeks, so I got applications anyway. LOL yeah, that’s a lot, but I don’t care … it increases my chances of being employed before Aunt Ann gets here. Hopefully I’ll get a call before I drop off applications on Friday.

In other news … I called Brad today ’cause I was tired of waiting, and he’s sick with some throat thing. He said if none of his relatives are over, that he’d invite me over to watch “Atomic Twister” with him tonight … even though I’ve already seen it. Oh well, I guess all that matters is me getting to see him. He also said he felt bad for not seeing me a lot … I asked, “you mean the past few days?” and he said yeah, and then listed like 50 things that he had and still has to do. So *sigh* … it kinda sucks … but something about it makes me believe him. And hopefully he’ll act on that feeling of guilt, but who knows.

*sigh* I feel sick. I just ate this chocolate strawberry ice cream thing … when I was already full from Chili’s. Grr … I gotta stop giving in to everything. Especially dealing with you-know-who. And it’s crazy … it’s not even midnight, and to me it feels like it’s 2 am. I think I’m going to sleep soon.

I applied for 2 more jobs today — Wet Seal and PacSun, just ’cause they were hiring and I was pissed at Hot Topic for not hiring and Sam Goody for never doing anything with my many applications. Watch them not call me. Again. I swear, I’m cursed … I don’t get it. I mean, how hard is it to get a job at a freakin’ music or clothing store? *sigh again*

I’m also trying to think of stuff to do on my birthday. And concerts are out, which were my main hope. The only one I’m interested in and have heard of is Ozzfest, but my dad won’t let me go. Just ’cause it’s hard rock. Ooh … must not be introduced to that. Yeah, right. So, besides fireworks on the 4th, my mind is blank. Don’t have the energy for a real party, don’t wanna have a boring sleepover. Want Brad to be able to come, but also don’t wanna celebrate 2 weeks after the official date. That’s real cool. Oh yeah, and I almost forgot that Julie and I have to go to the beach sometime. Fuck, when and where is that gonna happen? Especially with Dad and Ross suddenly deciding to bop on over to Seattle one weekend. Right. They need to make up their mind vacation-wise.

Crap, my eye itches. Stupid allergy to cats, which are sitting 2 feet from me. Oh yeah, it’s supposed to be like 97 degrees tomorrow. Yay ’cause I like the heat (to an extent), but nay if I’m gonna be stuck inside all day with nothing to do … I hope Brad has time to see me. And if not, I hope someone does. Namely Shaune, ’cause I think she gets back tomorrow … but will probably be busy with unpacking, etc. … so yeah *sneezes*

I got a Linkin Park poster for my room today, along with a $0.99 MTV/TRL choker! The poster’s black and red and cool — and I’m proud ’cause it’s the first real non-Hanson poster I’ve bought since like 1997. Haha. Go me.

And why has Brad not mentioned our 1-year anniversary since the 2 or so weeks before it at school? Is it really that easy to forget? What happened to dinner at Memphis, DDR, and a movie at Ballston?

Well … fuck. I just told Brad the wrong dates for the TBS movie. Oh well … his loss. If he can’t pick up the phone for 5 minutes to call me like he said he would … maybe this wouldn’t have happened. But no *sigh* He’s also apparently “too busy” tomorrow to see me as well … which I find funny since we’d hang out like every single day during spring break.

I even found this site called GuyCritical.com, where girls can ask “real” guys questions and stuff … and so me being the paranoid one, goes and asks about the whole cheating thing, and like 5 guys write back all like, yeah, you should believe your friends, they would lie for you, so go figure that his friends would do the same. Gah … this has got to stop happening. I keep telling myself that since we’ve been together for a year now, it’s nothing major and will soon go away … ’cause he loves me, right? He can’t help it if he “has stuff to do” right? *sigh* Too many questions that will probably never get answered. ‘Cause I’m stupid and paranoid and shy and can’t do anything right when it comes to relationships … at least that’s what it seems like. Guys like me … but then when they’re with me, I always fuck something up. Somehow. Though everyone tells me it’s the guy’s fault, that I can do better, etc., etc. … I dunno. Why can’t this be like it was at the beginning … all happy and cute and sweet and innocent … now everything is just crap.