*sigh* Well, I saw Brad today for the first time in a week … and … just, something didn’t feel right. He comes in, gives me a hug, we go upstairs for him to see my *new* room, then he comments on how we probably shouldn’t fool around since I wasn’t sure when my dad was coming home, but then we do anyway. This always happens. He reassures me of something, I believe him, and because of that, my guard is down, and I don’t feel like fighting back once he goes against his statement. ‘Cause I’m a freak like that, I’m stupid and can’t stand up for my own damn self.

Then he barely kisses me the whole time ’cause he claims he’s “sick,” leaves me standing around outside at his house for like an hour while he and his dad work on the truck for his sister … and when we come back here after dinner at Memphis, my dad’s not home yet, so we play around with glow sticks for a few minutes, then go inside to see if they work under my plasma ball. After that, I call my dad to see where the hell he is (picking up my brother), and then Brad’s like, I don’t know if I should stay or go (after I tell him my dad wouldn’t be home for awhile). I don’t know about you, but if I was him, I’d wanna stay. But no, he’s like, I need to get back or else my dad will get mad, and I need sleep before work. This is after I’ve told him like twice that if he wants to stay, he’s welcome to. Even if it’s for 5 minutes. The old Brad wouldn’t have given up this opportunity, and wouldn’t have just abruptly left. He would’ve stayed for at least a little while … and we’d like, lay on the couch or something, just holding each other … *sigh*

I gotta stop thinking about those days, or else I’m gonna end up crying. ‘Cause they were so great, and I miss them … and they aren’t coming back … what have I gotten myself into? *sigh* It’s like I’m fighting something inside me … something wants to break me apart and make me give in to everything and mess up my life. And that thing is gonna win if something doesn’t change … *cries* … he doesn’t know what this is doing to me. And if I told him, he’d like freak out, hate me for thinking stuff like this, and then it’d all be over … and I’d hate myself even more for trusting someone who couldn’t deal with my real emotions.

And it doesn’t help that the people who really wanna help me, like Jose and Louie, wanna go out with me, too. All THEY do is bother me, and Jose gets on my nerves sometimes. He won’t allow me to be sad, or depressed. I mean, come on. Everyone is like that at some time. But no, he’s like, I’m gonna call you and bother you if you don’t start talking *sigh again* All I want now is to turn back time. And go back to the blissful days when I thought everything was finally perfect. Too bad that was just a dream … pure hope stained by corruption. And I can never be happy again. Brad never says he loves me anymore, either … or gives me compliments … or whatever. And he used to all the time. What the fuck is happening?