Well, it’s reading day. Erica went back to sleep, and I don’t feel like going to breakfast … so I have like 2 hours to kill before going to the English review. I’m thinking about going to Ms. Erba, too, but dunno what to ask her about. Even though I have a C+ in the class … *shrugs*, but oh well. Her exam in the last one, and I figure I’ll just study a lot the night before. Yeah. Crap, I just forgot I have to get a 95.5 in order to get a B. Umm … great. Even with geometry, which I liked much better, I only got a 94 on that exam. So yeah … who’s in favor of that not happening …

Well, Brad’s back, and I’ve talked to him a little. Things seem (emphasis on seem) better, but who knows … in the survey he sent me, there was a question about who he thought his hottest friends were, and he said me and Neusha … man, I really gotta meet this girl — he keeps talking about her *sigh* Oh well … maybe I shouldn’t be so paranoid, I mean, she IS just a friend (right?).

We also had a really annoying college meeting today. It was supposed to end at 3:45, but no, it went ’til 4:30 — and all we did was read college essays. OMG, everytime he started a new one I was like, omg, hurry the fuck up. We already turned our essays in, so why waste time now discussing what we should talk about in them? So I was pissed about that. And then with like 30 minutes ’til dinner, I decide to call Dad and Brad. Little did I know that, for the first time EVER, we’re not going on ANY vacations this summer — when we usually go on at least one. Hell, last year we went on like 20. I’m not protesting, it’s just gonna be weird spending my 18th birthday at home — maybe I’ll have a party, but knowing my dad, it’s not gonna be a very fun one, if you know what I mean. I gotta start thinking about what I should do … and then I was thinking about calling Brad, and finally was like, why the hell not — I have 10 minutes left ’til dinner starts, haven’t talked to him in 2 days … and wanna see what he’s up to. So yeah, I do that … but we only talk for like 3 minutes. Jai’s over. Again. And again it was me who called. He never does. I gotta start rebelling against that … is he taking advantage of me or what? He was goofy, as usual, which made me laugh … but that soon faded when I started trying to interpret the whole thing *sigh* I don’t even know if I should be doing that or not … I guess I feel the need to observe every small move of his because what happened at semi-formal showed me that I needed to. And even though that was like 6 months ago … and we’ll be celebrating a year in like 10 days … part of me still thinks it’s necessary. Grr. I wish I had someone to tell me what and what not to do relationship-wise … and then I wouldn’t be stuck here, wondering all the time … 24/7 … and the sad part is that it’s true … literally. Brad said he’d try to be on before 11 … and I’m contemplating whether I should stay online and wait, or go and do some homework that I really should do for tomorrow, but know that I can get out of *can’t decide*

Blah … so maybe Brad won’t get on ’til tomorrow *sigh* Does he not realize how much I wanna talk to him? Unless he like hates me now or something … I’d think he want to, too. Oh well … I might as well go to bed. No one’s on, there’s nothing to do online (I just wasted like 30 minutes playing around in Photoshop) … and yeah. I need sleep — so why not take the opportunity? Adios everyone …

P.S. I had another plagiarism judicial today. I was just like god … don’t these people even learn?

*sigh* Today at dinner people started singing “Stand by Me” … and that got me all depressed ’cause it’s one of Brad’s favorite songs. And then during study hall tonight, after doing everything due tomorrow, I just sat and watched videos, played DDR, and read through Brad and I’s old AIM conversations. I almost started crying when I stumbled across the marriage one … everything was so sweet and cute and just … perfect … but, like I’ve come to realize, perfection is just an illusion of hope *sighs again* I hope this whole thing gets sorted out soon … somehow … with us still together …

By the way, the song that describes me right now is “My Goodbyes” by Saliva. Go and download it.

Why can’t school be over?

Wow, I just gave the site a *new* layout in a couple hours hehe — yay. The picture to the left is from the movie “Soul Survivors” … even though I’ve never seen it. I want to, though. The reason I chose it was ’cause everyone says that Wes Bentley (the guy) looks a lot like Brad (he does) … so I figured why not. I’ll make a layout of him lol. Even though it probably looks like crap in anything other than a 800 x 600 resolution … but tough luck if you don’t have that Hehe.

ANYWAY, AA (Athletic Association) banquet was last night, and it lasted a record 6 hours *sigh* Man, Catherine was so bored that she started playing with the candle on our table … and ended up getting wax everywhere. Not to mention making the candle go out, lol. And this other girl (I just totally blanked out on her name … ) resorted to taking apart her cup But oh well … hey, anything to make the night go faster is acceptable. I actually got a position, though! I’m the senior editor of the yearbook with Erica. Even though I dunno how many other seniors signed up for the class (so they technically might have chosen me ’cause there was no one else lol) … but hey, that’s okay, ’cause it was still cool, and no one else has to know And then I got this little leather bag of boot polish for being the manager of the riding team — but that’s about it. And my yearbook. And who the hell thinks my name is spelled “Clair”? Hello, where’s the “e”? Oh well … that part surprised me … but *shrugs*. Maybe it was a misspelling.

Hmm … what else. Graduation is slowly inching closer. Yay. I am SO ready to get out of this place, haha. I gotta write my “practice” college essay tonight, though. WTF? I wonder how many people will actually turn it in. Everyone knows it’s crap, and probably won’t put any effort into it … hell, I don’t know how to fill 2 - 3 pages with something that has changed my life. No one in my family has died, I haven’t been to Europe, and I haven’t worked with disabled children or the elderly. I guess I’ll just have to make up a somewhat interesting story. Or something.

But oh well. Well, not much else is going on with me. I have Photoshop now, though! I am so happy, now I can finally make good graphics for my sites. ‘Cause Adobe Home Edition SUCKS. LOL. And Brad’s away now hiking with his dad ’til Monday night … which also sucks … but hey, maybe something good will happen to him out in the mountains, like realizing how much he doesn’t wanna break up with me … or something along those lines. Yeah. If so, then I’d be glad he’s away. But I also miss him. You know, who wouldn’t.

Everyone I know wants me to break up with Brad, except Sarah, who just wants me to follow my heart. Shaune really wants me to end it, and I’m guessing Jose does too … though how much I don’t know, ’cause he still likes me for some reason. I’m thinking of meeting him at Fair Oaks today ’cause there’s a trip there … but knowing my luck, watch him not get online. Oh well … I dunno what else to say … except I got my SAT scores today and I got an 1160. My dad said that’s good … but *shrugs* … I guess it’s decent. I failed my chemistry test too … and have a Spanish one at 1:30. Which I doubt I’ll do any different on *sigh* But yeah … my life is crazy again … and I hate it ’cause one part of me wants to break up with “bitchboy,” and the other wants to hug him and never let go. God … I’m really starting to hate guys and all their little games.

I feel like shit. Brad is never on anymore. WTF does that mean? It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore. He gets on for like 2 seconds each day — and not the times when he says he’ll get on. God, I’m just so mad at him *sigh* I’m really tempted to write him a mean email all like, sorry for wanting to talk to you. Sorry if I’m an inconvenience to you … I really don’t wanna have to do this, but bye I’m sick of always waiting for him, having my moods controlled by what he does, wasting my time on him. Even though I don’t really have anything else to do … I’m thinking of just blocking him for like a week and seeing what he does about it. And it doesn’t help that I’m stuck here ’til the 7th, while he will be out having fun. And probably not even caring what’s going with me *sigh* I think I’m gonna go to sleep for 30 minutes ’til study hall starts … and then leave a really obvious away message up *shivers* Or just die from depression and coldness.