Long day. So far at least. Really don’t wanna go to the fine arts thing at 3:30. Whatever the hell that is. The English thing was okay, though I know I messed up somewhere. Oh well. And I have the essay on Thursday. Oh joy.

Mixed emotions are killer … watching the NIN video last night made me feel like wearing a red shirt to bed to symbolize my usual other color one being drenched in blood … as in me stabbing myself. Okay, that sounds really bad. I know … I’m not crazy. Oh well. Me and my stupid thoughts. Don’t worry.

Okay … I just tried to call Brad … and no one answered. Umm? That hardly ever happens. And if he still has a curfew, he should definitely be home by now. And what’s with his parents not being there, when they got back on Saturday? *sigh* Maybe this is stemming off the weird study hall I had, where half the time, after getting bored with studying, I just sat there, listening to Flickerstick’s hidden song, and writing and drawing random things. Including how I’m thinking about doing my Spanish paper on Brad … the assignment is to write about a special place or person that is important/has had an affect on your life. So yeah … but now I’m having second thoughts. How can I write about someone who’s never there? *sigh* Don’t mind me … my mind is just aimlessly wandering, always believing the doubtful side of things …

Oh yeah. My English midterm is tomorrow — shoot me now

Haha … oops! Haven’t written in here in awhile.

Anyway, I am now an official DDR freak. Brad made the “mistake” of telling me that there was a PC version of DDR, so after downloading it, I become obsessed with finding songs for it, and even more obsessed with playing it. It rocks! I swear, I think I’ve spent over 10 hours playing it … in the mere 36 or so hours that I’ve had it on my laptop. Sad, huh? LOL. Oh well … it’ll probably die down eventually, just like Snood. It’s weird, I don’t really play that anymore … but watch me start it up again soon, hehe.

Anyway … this weekend has been so boring. Everything going on was Fox/Hound crap, so didn’t go to any of that … went to the banquet and talent show tonight, but those were stupid. Get to see Dad in Middleburg tomorrow for lunch, so at least I’ll get off campus. And the international gala is tomorrow too, so the food there will be good.

Umm … what else has happened? Oh yeah, I might see Ben during spring break! He’s the awesome goth guy from Yorktown, and I haven’t seen him in like 3 years. It’ll be interesting, yet cool, if we decide to hang out. Speaking of which, Brandon isn’t coming back until August … um woah? That’s too long … he said he missed me, though … so probably I’ll see him again then. Oh well. Don’t get to see Brad tomorrow ’cause his parents got back tonight so he feels obliged to spend time with them … kinda sucks, but I’d probably have to do the same if was in his position.

Oh, and Shaune got into Temple University! I told my dad (who grew up there), and he said the college was in the bad part of Philly, so I guess we’ll see. I wonder if Kristen’s gotten accepted anywhere yet.

Hmm … what else … my butt hurts from sitting online so long … I swear, there is nothing else to do here. I can’t believe this weekend was closed, too … especially with such nice weather! Watch it get all cold again like the day spring break starts. Oh yeah, more about that — I think I’m meeting the guy from MatchMaker who wants to teach me the drums then, so yay. Hope that turns out well, too. Think about it … free drum lessons! LOL.

Hi. Yeah … today was interesting. Had the worst riding lesson ’cause it was in the easy class, but ’cause I was depressed about Brad and school stuff, I could barely keep up with them. I felt like such a loser … plus, since my chaps are still broken, I have to keep riding in britches, I think until next week. And I have a history test that’s like all of my midterm grade, and I know I’m gonna fail, ’cause I always do, even though I studied for like 1 1/2 hours. Stupid history. I don’t see how Brad wants to be a history teacher, lol. I wish I could ask him about stuff, but he’s doing homework now I think, so yeah. Don’t wanna bother him. Guess I should study for a little bit during E-4 tomorrow. That would be the good student thing to do. But watch me not, haha. Just watch.

Anyway … I just IMed Brad to see if he was still alive, ’cause it’s been like 30 minutes since our last message … let’s see what he said … Jai’s over. Hmm. He said “brb” before … oh well. I guess friends are distracting.

Why? Why do I always feel like shit after seeing Brad? I could tell he was trying, he was honestly trying to make things right … but something inside me feels skeptical. I thought Jessie was just coming for dinner … she missed her boyfriend, and wanted something to do, so Brad invited her to dinner. Why did she stay the rest of the time? And why did it seem like they were flirting the whole time, though he said he wasn’t trying to, it’s just that they hadn’t seen each other in awhile. Plus, they’d gone out before for like a week. Yeah, I know that’s not long, but still. He gave her a goodbye hug before she left *sigh*

Am I being too paranoid? The first half of the day was great, I got to see parts of the awesome NIN live concert DVD, Scary Movie, new games on his PC, and then we fooled around a little. During which he was like, “have I told you before that you’re beautiful?” He has, and in his eyes I could see he meant it, but is that enough to justify everything else? And I admit I was surprised when he remembered our anniversary. Though I’d told him last night, he said he still felt bad for forgetting it, and didn’t want to hurt me.

But omg, whenever they both went into another room without me, like on purpose, I started to feel all depressed again. Like they were hiding something. The first time, I had no idea what was going on. She was like, laughing at him ’cause of a joke or something he’d told, and was playfully hitting him, and for some reason they both went into the laundry room for like a minute. I couldn’t ever hear anything … except muffled voices every few seconds. And then when we were playing truth or dare (don’t ask why, I’m horrible at it, don’t know why we started), they both went up into Brad’s room to try to think up a dare for me. And that was for like a minute too. And then, omg, Brad went up in his room and Jessie “went to the bathroom.” How am I supposed to believe that when I saw her walking from the opposite direction of the bathroom, right after Brad comes down?

*sigh* I feel like crying. Why the fuck do I feel this way? God … before I left, he was like, “what do you think of Jessie? ‘Cause she said you gave her a few looks and stuff.” Uhh … what looks? I don’t remember giving her any … then again, what do I know. I don’t know anything. I felt so lost when they were talking about stuff that’d happened awhile ago, with all their friends. That I don’t know. It was like they were off in their own little world, ignoring me. Maybe I’m just overexaggerating. Maybe I’m taking this too far … but it’s how I feel. I thought the whole day was gonna be just for Brad and I. And now I can’t see him for another two weeks. Who knows, maybe three, with all the college crap I have to do *cries* Why can’t I be convinced that she’s nothing other than a friend to him? Why? Why do I always feel like this? The happiness never lasts. What’s the point of living … you’re never happy forever. Sadness always overrules everything. Why be happy for a minute a day, when the rest is just the opposite? *big sigh* I don’t know.

He gave me his glow sticks to hang in my car as I was driving home. And he said he’d burn me the FFVI soundtrack … and that he wasn’t sure if I wanted an anniversary present. All this is just so sudden … he went from totally ignoring anniversaries to like, embracing them. Huh? Not like it’s not a good thing … but yeah … nothing’s ever the same. With anything. I don’t want to feel like crap, I want to be able to fall asleep in his arms and know that he’s the one. Sometimes I think he is, sometimes he isn’t. Back and forth — always the motion. One day I love him, the next I’m thinking about breaking up.

And when we were all watching the first NIN DVD, I had my head against the window as I sat on the couch, kinda mesmerized by the unexplainable awesome lighting effects, etc. of the concert, and also thinking about the Jessie thing, Brad asks, “are you okay?” I say yeah, trying to make it seem like I really am … I think I succeed, ’cause he doesn’t say anything else, but yeah. The whole night I was dying … trying to figure out if this girl is trying to get my heart broken or not. ‘Cause I know if that happened, I would definitely, without a doubt, become depressed again. He’s like, my glow stick in life, and I love him for that. But sometimes that glow seems to be directed elsewhere. And I’m left behind in the dark.

Guess what? I’ve discovered fanlistings, and they rock Go join some right now!

And guess who’s now a regular worker on their school’s site? Oh yeah! Go me! Who knew that people would actually think I’m good web-wise?

Hehe … don’t mind me. I’m happy. TGIF.