Why? Why do I always feel like shit after seeing Brad? I could tell he was trying, he was honestly trying to make things right … but something inside me feels skeptical. I thought Jessie was just coming for dinner … she missed her boyfriend, and wanted something to do, so Brad invited her to dinner. Why did she stay the rest of the time? And why did it seem like they were flirting the whole time, though he said he wasn’t trying to, it’s just that they hadn’t seen each other in awhile. Plus, they’d gone out before for like a week. Yeah, I know that’s not long, but still. He gave her a goodbye hug before she left *sigh*

Am I being too paranoid? The first half of the day was great, I got to see parts of the awesome NIN live concert DVD, Scary Movie, new games on his PC, and then we fooled around a little. During which he was like, “have I told you before that you’re beautiful?” He has, and in his eyes I could see he meant it, but is that enough to justify everything else? And I admit I was surprised when he remembered our anniversary. Though I’d told him last night, he said he still felt bad for forgetting it, and didn’t want to hurt me.

But omg, whenever they both went into another room without me, like on purpose, I started to feel all depressed again. Like they were hiding something. The first time, I had no idea what was going on. She was like, laughing at him ’cause of a joke or something he’d told, and was playfully hitting him, and for some reason they both went into the laundry room for like a minute. I couldn’t ever hear anything … except muffled voices every few seconds. And then when we were playing truth or dare (don’t ask why, I’m horrible at it, don’t know why we started), they both went up into Brad’s room to try to think up a dare for me. And that was for like a minute too. And then, omg, Brad went up in his room and Jessie “went to the bathroom.” How am I supposed to believe that when I saw her walking from the opposite direction of the bathroom, right after Brad comes down?

*sigh* I feel like crying. Why the fuck do I feel this way? God … before I left, he was like, “what do you think of Jessie? ‘Cause she said you gave her a few looks and stuff.” Uhh … what looks? I don’t remember giving her any … then again, what do I know. I don’t know anything. I felt so lost when they were talking about stuff that’d happened awhile ago, with all their friends. That I don’t know. It was like they were off in their own little world, ignoring me. Maybe I’m just overexaggerating. Maybe I’m taking this too far … but it’s how I feel. I thought the whole day was gonna be just for Brad and I. And now I can’t see him for another two weeks. Who knows, maybe three, with all the college crap I have to do *cries* Why can’t I be convinced that she’s nothing other than a friend to him? Why? Why do I always feel like this? The happiness never lasts. What’s the point of living … you’re never happy forever. Sadness always overrules everything. Why be happy for a minute a day, when the rest is just the opposite? *big sigh* I don’t know.

He gave me his glow sticks to hang in my car as I was driving home. And he said he’d burn me the FFVI soundtrack … and that he wasn’t sure if I wanted an anniversary present. All this is just so sudden … he went from totally ignoring anniversaries to like, embracing them. Huh? Not like it’s not a good thing … but yeah … nothing’s ever the same. With anything. I don’t want to feel like crap, I want to be able to fall asleep in his arms and know that he’s the one. Sometimes I think he is, sometimes he isn’t. Back and forth — always the motion. One day I love him, the next I’m thinking about breaking up.

And when we were all watching the first NIN DVD, I had my head against the window as I sat on the couch, kinda mesmerized by the unexplainable awesome lighting effects, etc. of the concert, and also thinking about the Jessie thing, Brad asks, “are you okay?” I say yeah, trying to make it seem like I really am … I think I succeed, ’cause he doesn’t say anything else, but yeah. The whole night I was dying … trying to figure out if this girl is trying to get my heart broken or not. ‘Cause I know if that happened, I would definitely, without a doubt, become depressed again. He’s like, my glow stick in life, and I love him for that. But sometimes that glow seems to be directed elsewhere. And I’m left behind in the dark.