OMG — the last 24 hours have been insane First off, I hung out with Brad from like 3 to 10 last night. Which was awesome as always … and though I feel kinda weird saying this, I’m not a virgin anymore. Yeah. Of course it was a mutual decision between us, but yeah … now it’s like, another huge hurdle of life has been cleared. And unless you’re one of those girls who sleeps with every guy she sees, doing that definitely means a lot. So yeah

Anyway, then at 9 we head to Shaune’s for her 18th birthday party/sleepover. Brad follows me in his car so that I’d have a way to get home in the morning, and we get there around 9:30. Though Brad had to leave at 10, I’m still glad he came. Wish he could’ve stayed the whole time, but oh well. He mixes me a few drinks, and when I’m halfway through the 2nd, I’m starting to feel buzzed. After he leaves I make a 3rd one — except it was half Sprite and half vodka — kinda strong, lol. I think that’s what got me … before I know it I’m dancing (which I NEVER do, haha), passed out on the couch, throwing up, laughing like crazy, crashing into walls, like … not being shy. Jose was happy about that, hehe. I don’t even remember going to sleep … it was like, awake one moment, time passes, awake the next. After passing out the whole night, I wake up at 4 am, talk to Willi and Shaune a little bit, go back to sleep ’til like 8, then wake up again at 9, 11, and 1.

I leave at like 1:30, which was when I felt good enough to drive. ‘Cause before, I could barely stand up, and even drinking water made me feel like puking. Thankfully I didn’t … but now I’m fine. A little tired, and my stomach is still a little weird, but it’s all good. I gave Willi a ride home, too. It was cool to see her, didn’t know she was gonna be at the party. But yeah. I’m just chilling now. Chatting, doing site stuff, drinking iced tea. Brad just called, and he said he’d call back. His parents just got home, so I’m guessing he’s currently occupied with them. Well, I gotta go now and finish laundry, but talk to everyone later!

Last night was pretty cool — I’m now in love with the Blade 2 soundtrack, hehe. The movie was okay, it was basically blood and killing vampires, lol, but yea I guess one bad thing was Chuck coming (he hates me or something), but we just didn’t talk to each other, so everything was cool. After the movie we (Jai, Brad, and I) went over to Tower Records, and Brad flipped out at the sale going on and bought like 5 CDs, lol. He got the new KMFDM CD, some 3-disc techno thing, and the Queen of the Damned soundtrack. On the way home we listened to snippets of KMFDM in the car … and now he has to burn both me and Jai an MP3 copy So yay.

I also made myself a CD yesterday (Claire’s CD 7) — it’s basically new DC101 and 99HFS stuff — like the new Weezer, Five for Fighting, Korn, Alien Ant Farm, etc. songs — it’s now in my car waiting for Claire’s CD 4 to be over Anyway, well I have nothing else to do online, so I’m gonna head up to my room and work on my little re-decorating task — ttyl!

*sigh* Today = bad day number 10000 Aside from Dad getting pissed at my D+ in algebra (how was I supposed to know it was that bad when nobody told me?), on the way home from Fair Oaks, I’m driving, and don’t see a car while making the left turn at Westover. Dad, of course, suddenly yells “STOP!,” I’m like omg and freak out, then makes me pull over and gives me a lecture. By this time I’m choked up and trying not to cry, and when I get home, I go directly to my room (lit only by the Christmas lights and orange lamp) and let the tears fall. In my state of confusion/hate/feeling worthless, I stumble over to my cosmetic bag, open the inside pocket, and pull out my razor. I place it on my wrist, but then realize what I’m doing and put it away. I cry for a few more minutes, then compose myself, knowing I’ll have to talk to my grandpa on the phone soon (though this part turned out to not be true), and go downstairs, pulling off the best nonchalant act that I can. And now I’m here. Listening to my new Adema CD and downloading music.

I’m also pissed at Dad ’cause I wanted to get some new clothes at the mall, but of course he’s like, “no, I wanna see before we buy” (when I wouldn’t buy anything he wouldn’t like in the first place), and we compromise by him saying that if the stores are still open when he picks Ross and I up at 9:15, he’ll come and check out whatever I pick. So yeah, I go into various stores … and when push comes to shove, I find a cool sweater and pair of polartec-y pants at Macy’s, put them in a place I’ll remember, but no. When he comes back at 9:30 (15 minutes late as usual), his friend Ann is in the car, and we end up not doing what he said he would. Of course. I should have anticipated that. Stupid me.

Woah. Woah woah. Um … okay. I thought I might be seeing Brad today. But no way now. Is it a bad thing if your boyfriend doesn’t tell you that he’s hanging out with his ex so that they can be friends again? *sigh* And he’s pissed at her ’cause she stood him up … and it was just like, bang, to me. The one time I need my guy friends online to ask about stuff, they’re not on *sigh*

Am I just paranoid, or should I be worried? I mean, I doubt he’d do anything with her, he said he just wanted to settle things with her … but why is this upsetting me so much? I guess it’s just ’cause she’s an ex … and I don’t know what I’d do if she and Brad like, got back together. Not that they would … but there’s that small chance, that everpresent feeling that kills me *cries* Why do I always do this? Why am I always depressed unless I’m with him? WTF? I’m so confused right now. Everything suddenly doesn’t make sense. And of course when Brad tells me everything, I act like I’m okay with it ’cause I should be … I don’t wanna be all selfish and annoying, ’cause obviously there’s a reason why they broke up in the first place … but yeah. If that’s so true, why does he post a pic of him and her up on Bolt and his site … and not one of us … when I know he has one, and has updated each place more than once since he’s had it *sigh* I don’t know what to do. “Ex-Girlfriend” by No Doubt is making really good sense to me right now — everything Gwen says seems to be true

Ugh. Today was weird. Went to MWC (Mary Washington College). Had the same info session/tour that I had a month ago … Dad asked more questions that I did … hope they didn’t interpret that as a bad thing. Had weird onion soup as part of dinner … the rest was chips, this really good turkey sandwich, and water for a drink. Read 20-some pages of TEWWG … fell asleep for about 30 minutes while/after doing that. Watched Friends. I’m thinking about calling Brad soon … I got like no email today. And I usually do after not checking it all day. Oh well.

Today was okay I guess. Even though I did some stuff, I feel like something’s missing. Yeah, I did a ton of stuff site-wise and saw Brad for a few hours … I guess that’s what’s getting me, ’cause I only got to see him for like 2 … instead of 9/10 like it was on the weekend. I dunno … it was weird. For some reason it didn’t feel as like, comfortable as the previous 2 days’ visits had. I had half of a green St. Patrick’s Day bagel from KSB. When his dad came home I felt all uptight for some reason. I really don’t know why. I was fine before having dinner with his parents. And Brad didn’t seem too unaffectionate. I mean, he stood on the porch and waved until I drove away. And while watching TV he’d randomly kiss me and stuff … but *sigh* … who knows … maybe it’s knowing that I can’t see him until Friday that’s making me feel like this. But that shouldn’t bother me too bad, ’cause I’ve gone 2 weeks without seeing him … more than once. Or maybe it’s the fact that he was online for like 3 hours tonight, and we IMed each other for like 5 minutes of those 3 hours. Part of me is reassured ’cause I knew he had a ton of homework to do, but the other part of me isn’t … ’cause he’s like never online for that long anymore … and whenever he’s on at all, we have more interesting conversations … and yeah. Plus, the last week of school and the weekend were like, pure bliss, ’cause he was so sweet and caring towards me … and I dunno if today was an exception … I don’t want it to be … I don’t any day to be … I just hope this continues. I don’t want to fall into depression again, having people always wondering wtf is up with me. I wonder what Erica/Meg/Allena thought of Brad.

Okay … wtf? I was just playing DDR … for like an hour max … it probably wasn’t even that long. Then Dad’s like, okay Claire, enough of the game. Uh … excuse me? Ross plays SimCity like all the time, and I just started playing this, yet you’re like, telling me to stop, when it’s just a game. It’s spring break for crying out loud — shouldn’t I be able to play what I want? Then he goes off about how if people at school see me playing it all the time, they’re gonna think I’m “goofing off” instead of doing work. Yeah, right. I don’t play computer games to put off my homework. He can’t just assume that. I’m getting As and Bs … and one D, but that’s ’cause no one told me about that … I was thinking it was a B or C … but no. Anyway … that’s definitely gonna change. And I’m pissed now. What is so bad about DDR? It’s just hitting the arrow keys to the beat of techno music. And yeah, I admit, it’s addicting, but why should he care? It’s freakin’ spring break … *sigh* I don’t get it. Can’t he trust me? Geez … he doesn’t bug me about site stuff … this is the only time he’s been annoying about stuff I do computer-wise. Grr! Sorry … as you can probably tell, I’m pretty pissed right now. And geez … Brad plays more DDR than I do, and his parents don’t care. What’s up with that? Oh well. But please, someone needs to tell me what is so bad about DDR. I really don’t see it.