Man, today was another crazy day … guy-wise. First, Brad comes online and is really sad and tired, but “doesn’t know why,” and no matter what I say or do, he won’t tell me if there’s anything I can do to help him … much less talk about what’s wrong. And he knows I’m here if he needs to talk, etc., yet it’s like he doesn’t appreciate that or anything. I mean, I even told him that today, and was like, “I just really care and hate seeing you depressed like this,” and he was like, “okay, yeah, thanks”. And that was it … though he did say he was sorry for acting all weird, it’s still downgrading to me ’cause it’s like things are turning back to how they used to be — lack of communication being one of the main problems. And then — trying to comfort him — I say, “*hugs* I miss you” … and he doesn’t answer, and then signs off without saying goodbye. And doesn’t get back on. WTF? I don’t get it … I’m really trying to help him and make him happy, but it seems like that’s not enough anymore. What exactly does he want me to do? Not talk to him or something?

And then with Neil, he was finally happy for all of today, and actually helped me with the Brad thing a little, but then suddenly when I get back on after study hall, he’s depressed again … something about not knowing what the future will bring, and being alone … which I can understand isn’t a day at the beach … but yeah. Maybe I try to help people too much. Is that it? I dunno … I like the feeling of knowing that I’ve made a difference in someone’s life, but I also don’t want it to backfire, ya know? I hate never talking to Brad. He’s my freakin’ boyfriend, he’s going through a rough spot right now, and I’ve talked to Neil like 10 times more than him this week. Something about that isn’t 100% right … isn’t it supposed to be the other way around? I really wish there was something I could do Brad-wise, but I’m drawing a blank. I don’t even know if he wants me to help him. Everything is so fuzzy now … why can’t things be the way they were New Years Day … when I saw him for the first time in months, and we actually seriously talked about stuff? Like it mattered? But now that’s all come undone … my mind keeps noticing the little things that scream to be noticed and my heart tries to ignore them *sigh* Will things ever change? For good?

BTW … check out the original poem I’m reading for English tomorrow:

Blinded by the Light

Take my hand
Lead me through the web of life
Show me what you know and then
Step back to watch the light
Come burning through my hazel eyes
Shining steady strong
Illuminating miles and miles
Dancing to my song

Follow its path around the world
Through freezing frozen ice
Across the sandy dry deserts
And through the land of scythe
Into the depths of oceans blue
Racing through black space
Across the mountains of the world
And don’t forget my face

Now what you need to do is this
Just close your eyes and mind
And take your wisdom back inside
As well as me for all of time