This is gonna be kinda short since I g2g to bed soon … but dude, today was cool. I had a double, no, triple free (no history!), no riding, and got to talk to Neil a lot too, which rocked! Too bad the rest of the week I have either a lesson or a general after school, but oh well. Wish I didn’t have to come back Sunday either, but hey, at least I’ll earn some brownie points with the riding people for actually coming to the meet Oh, and guess what? I get to see Da Vinci’s on Friday! Hopefully Shaune and I will be able to get our schedules coordinated so that we can catch either the 7:30 or 9:30 show, which will be awesome. So yay! Man, haven’t seen them perform in the longest time, so this’ll be good.

Brad-wise, I have NO idea what’s happening. We like never talk anymore ’cause he’s so busy with homework, being grounded, etc … so yeah … I dunno. And what’s weird is that Neil and I are talking like all the time now. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing (’cause I love talking to him), but it’s crazy ’cause he’s not my boyfriend, yet I sorta talk to him like he is, and I know he really likes me … but I dunno But man, he cares about me, like, I think the same as Brad does, if not more, which is kinda scary … but I dunno. Maybe I’m having Brad-withdrawal or something and am starting to have this crush on him (omg I feel really bad just saying that) … but geez. Okay. Must not fall in love with Neil, must not fall in love with Neil … omg, he just said he loved me *is surprised* What do I do? He said he really means it too (i.e., real love), like it grows more and more each day, everytime we talk … uhh … woah. He hasn’t even met me yet … never had a guy truthfully love me who’s not like, with me and stuff … don’t get me wrong, he’s a great guy … but yeah, ya know. As Taylor would say, gotta meet the person first

And I’m really not supposed to be online right now, but screw it. Ms. Heidi’s not up, nor is anyone who would care that I am (at least I don’t think there is). Besides, guy stuff is happening … and as you know all too well I never leave stuff like that unfinished …

Aw, even though the beginning of today sucked (almost sleeping through graphic design, no free periods or time for lunch, etc.), my riding lesson turned out good even though I rode Ricky, and then later I called Neil, and that turned out better than I expected! We talked for like 1 1/2 hours, and I was just like woah ’cause usually when I call guys we talk for like 10 minutes max, hehe. So yeah, that like made my day

Know what kinda sucks? I have to go to bed at 11 now, ’cause Ms. Heidi said that people were starting to wonder why I was allowed to stay up even though I’m not a leader … so yeah. Blah. That sucks, ’cause I love staying up. Ooh, good boy band song on Promosquad, lol Well, g2g now and finish talking to people before I go to “sleep” (more like doing homework, lol), so bye for now!

P.S. Guess where my watch was. In my jacket pocket, haha — I almost slept through graphic design ’cause of that?

Check out these and these (among other stuff — a star ring and punk-y necklace — that I couldn’t find online) I got while shopping today! LOL, lemme tell ya, doing that was like therapy (even though I’m broke now) for all the Brad stuff lately (which I think is getting better). Now let’s see if he actually calls tonight … Anyway, gonna go now and make dinner and watch that Saturday night MTV thing, so ttyl! I wonder if I’ll stay up ’til 4 am again tonight too (hehe), ’cause I did that last night talking to Neil about guy stuff. Man, that felt good … staying up rocks.

Aww, The Calling are so cute Hehe, I just saw them on Leno and Jay played a tape when Alex (the lead singer) was 12 and his family never returned videos, so Jay like called their house to ask about that and he answered. It was funny

But anyway … things with Brad are still sketchy. Or something. I dunno why, but something doesn’t feel quite right about how he’s acting. But knowing me, it’s probably nothing *sigh* And I think something’s up with Neil too … but also dunno about that. So yeah, my life right now is basically a big circle of question marks … how convenient.

The Calling’s on Leno tonight! Yay! Watch me like forget about it, haha. I also got all the ACT and SAT registering crap today … so far I’ve gotten like halfway through it all, but geez, some of the questions on there are funny! I mean, come on, “how many years of calculator experience have you had?” is not exactly the type of question I was expecting on something that colleges freak out about, lol. But oh well. Screw that, I’m just glad it’s Friday. And surprised that everyone and their cousin’s boyfriend’s sister is congratulating me on my poem, hehe — it’s crazy ’cause I never dreamed it’d be this big of a deal, but I’m happy at the same time ’cause I’m the person that people would least expect to do this, hehe.

And oh look … guess who just got on but is again ignoring me? Brad *sigh*

Man, today was another crazy day … guy-wise. First, Brad comes online and is really sad and tired, but “doesn’t know why,” and no matter what I say or do, he won’t tell me if there’s anything I can do to help him … much less talk about what’s wrong. And he knows I’m here if he needs to talk, etc., yet it’s like he doesn’t appreciate that or anything. I mean, I even told him that today, and was like, “I just really care and hate seeing you depressed like this,” and he was like, “okay, yeah, thanks”. And that was it … though he did say he was sorry for acting all weird, it’s still downgrading to me ’cause it’s like things are turning back to how they used to be — lack of communication being one of the main problems. And then — trying to comfort him — I say, “*hugs* I miss you” … and he doesn’t answer, and then signs off without saying goodbye. And doesn’t get back on. WTF? I don’t get it … I’m really trying to help him and make him happy, but it seems like that’s not enough anymore. What exactly does he want me to do? Not talk to him or something?

And then with Neil, he was finally happy for all of today, and actually helped me with the Brad thing a little, but then suddenly when I get back on after study hall, he’s depressed again … something about not knowing what the future will bring, and being alone … which I can understand isn’t a day at the beach … but yeah. Maybe I try to help people too much. Is that it? I dunno … I like the feeling of knowing that I’ve made a difference in someone’s life, but I also don’t want it to backfire, ya know? I hate never talking to Brad. He’s my freakin’ boyfriend, he’s going through a rough spot right now, and I’ve talked to Neil like 10 times more than him this week. Something about that isn’t 100% right … isn’t it supposed to be the other way around? I really wish there was something I could do Brad-wise, but I’m drawing a blank. I don’t even know if he wants me to help him. Everything is so fuzzy now … why can’t things be the way they were New Years Day … when I saw him for the first time in months, and we actually seriously talked about stuff? Like it mattered? But now that’s all come undone … my mind keeps noticing the little things that scream to be noticed and my heart tries to ignore them *sigh* Will things ever change? For good?

BTW … check out the original poem I’m reading for English tomorrow:

Blinded by the Light

Take my hand
Lead me through the web of life
Show me what you know and then
Step back to watch the light
Come burning through my hazel eyes
Shining steady strong
Illuminating miles and miles
Dancing to my song

Follow its path around the world
Through freezing frozen ice
Across the sandy dry deserts
And through the land of scythe
Into the depths of oceans blue
Racing through black space
Across the mountains of the world
And don’t forget my face

Now what you need to do is this
Just close your eyes and mind
And take your wisdom back inside
As well as me for all of time

Ahh! I feel a slew of sleepless nights coming on. I’m worried about Brad … he’s not just sleepy tired anymore, he’s more like exhausted tired … and I know that definitely doesn’t feel good, nor is it healthy. I hope he gets better soon. And it’s also not that fun, ’cause he doesn’t feel like talking much, and of course with me I get all paranoid and start thinking that something’s wrong relationship-wise, even though it probably isn’t And tonight Neil declared his undying huge crush on me … I was like woah, ’cause with every reply he’s saying something along the lines of how I’m so nice and cute, and I’m just in shock like … dude … I don’t deserve this much attention, lol. And woah, he just wrote me three more poems! I don’t know what it is I do, but he says I’m an inspiration to him:

#1:
It would be nice,
if I could think twice,
about how you make me smile,
but I would like,
to treat you right,
and we can maybe talk for a while,
yet your so great,
I cant debate,
on how you brighten my day,
your so funny,
cute as a bunny,
and make my sadness go away …

#2:
and i look into your face
your words speak of grace
my sadness you embrace
caring
and baring
a once broken boy
you take my frown
turn it upside down
talking
and walking
i hope i dont annoy
fixing my tangle
your such an angel
my downward spiral
you put to an end
cleaned the wound to mend
my heart that was shattered
and battered
with so much trust
i wish i must
tell you become my greatest friend

#3:
let me hold your hand
it would be grand
if we could stand
side by side
day by day
face to face
you and me
i look you in the eye
please dont you cry
your heart i gave you
was mine
and in time
for when you care for me
help me see
the truth from the inside
dont let me hide
i want to tell you
you make me a better person
always
forever

Just .. *sigh* … I wonder how Brad really feels about me. I know he loves me, etc … and that’s he’s feeling kinda down … I dunno, just some stuff that happened before (i.e., me initiating a lot of things) is happening again, which is kinda freaking me out. But I’m sure it’s just another phase that will eventually pass, and soon I’ll be in Brad’s arms again, and everything will be fine *happy sigh* I miss him …