Hi. I’m bored. The sign-in bell just rang, and I have nothing to do. Already did laundry, homework, the usual Monday stuff … tomorrow is gonna suck ’cause I have NO free periods, a riding lesson, and the growing doubt that I again didn’t make the riding team. WTF? Oh well, it’s not like my favorite thing in the world, anyway. Being manager is just fine. OMG, I’m so sick of all the high-pitched snobby sophomores in this dorm. There’s only so much screaming, chasing down the halls, and boy obsessiveness that a person can take. Geez, we weren’t like this last year! *sigh* I’m cold. Just my luck that all the internet jacks are near the door, so everytime someone goes in or out, this big gust of negative 100000 degree air blows in. Fun fun. And why is no one online? Justin’s busy with his computer project, Brad hasn’t been on all day, Shaune and Kristen hardly ever get on anyway, and the people who ARE on aren’t even my close friends. And what is up with us bombing Afghanistan and all? I mean, we aren’t even sure that Bin Laden or whoever did it. It’s not gonna solve anything, and us going to war sure as hell isn’t. Why can’t we ever do anything peacefully? This is like the first time the US has been directly involved in a war since I was born.

Well, I’m back from Williamsburg! It was pretty cool, except for it raining and being too cold. My favorite parts were talking to the “planter” on horseback, meeting the weird 20-year-old colonial Indian guy with Erica and Julie, and going on the carriage ride, hehe. Draft horses rock! And going to the candy store that I would’ve bought all of if I could Man, the caramel candy apples they had there were so good — I was like, omg. Haha. I also got a half pound of licorice (which I love), but got sick of ’cause I ate it too fast, lol — but I still like it! I also posed with a few of the soldier guys there, which was funny. It was funny watching them march around in their little colonial suits Especially when one of the guys’ hats blew off and they had to break formation or whatever to get it back — I was cracking up! And dayam, the cannons they had back there were LOUD! They were doing a little demonstration thing and all of a sudden, BOOM, my ears felt like exploding. Geez, how did they not lose their hearing? But oh well … I guess they’re used to it *shrugs* Anyway … *thinks* … Brad needs to get on! I gotta tell him what Dad said about Friday and semi. Hmm … *thinks more* … well I’m gonna go now and surf aimlessly, so ttyl!

I am now officially in love with the William & Mary bookstore. I dunno why, but Sierra had to practically drag me outta there! I couldn’t decide between 2 CDs … I wanted to get a journal and frappuccino but didn’t have time … and wanted to steal one of the free CDs from a $9 (WTF?) import magazine (’cause it had Linkin Park on it!) but didn’t have the guts. Oh well — I guess you could say I have a newfound respect for Barnes & Noble!

For those of you who care, my Smurf name is “Phil the Smurf.” I feel honored In news that someone might actually care about, lol, Brad and I are now going to semi-formal. Which I’ve never gone to before … which I hope won’t be too, like, mixer-ish and stuck-up and snobby and all, haha ‘Cause that would suck — now all they gotta do is tell me what I need to do if I wanna go to it and invite Brad. And what’s the deal with the whole “RSVP by October 15th” thing? Grr. I hate how this school procrastinates. And now Dad won’t let me go to Jai’s (Brad’s friend) party after semi-formal — it’s not like he has a good reason to! I didn’t do anything … I can’t do anything when I’m stuck here. Geez, but how stupid is that? It’s not like I’m gonna go get drunk and have sex with 10 guys. All I wanna do is spend the night with Brad *sigh* Why won’t he realize that I’m 17 and can take care of myself? Double grr. But oh well … at least I’ll get to see Brad, have all my friends meet him (especially Monica and Erica, hehe), and experience semi. Well, g2g get ready for riding now, so ttyl!

And why are the freakin’ college people so mean? They’re all like, “take the hardest classes you can and do well in them!” Haha, more like fail them. And … uh … shouldn’t you have told us that last year before we registered for classes? *sigh* Plus, the PSATs are on the morning of semi-formal. WTF? I really don’t get the college people.

Well. Things are kinda slowing down guy-wise for me. Which is good. Except Justin said a few nights ago that he thought us breaking up was a mistake (aww), and that if he had tried harder he probably would have won (not Brad). And then last night, even though I know Brad loves me and stuff, he like … well, wants to go all the way with me. Which I don’t wanna do just yet. And when I told him that, he basically was fine with it, but said he hopes I decide to do it soon, ’cause he “can’t wait” *sigh* I just don’t think we’ve been together long enough for us to do that (plus, I’m a virgin) … but apparently I’m the only one who thinks that. Oh well, at least it’s not the only thing he cares about. Well, lunch starts soon, so I might as well go to that. And the riding people definitely made up for yesterday’s surprise clinic being crappy by me not having a lesson today. Yay! Aww, and I just helped Justin with deleting all his mp3s that were repeats. He was like, “you’re so helpful” and “thanks for helping” LOL, I dunno, I like editing stuff. Yeah, I’m weird. TTYL!

The only good thing about this weekend (Williamsburg) so far is that my roommates are actually people that I like (haha): Erica, Leslie, and Monica *score* Bad thing? I won’t get to see Shaune, Justin, or Brad ’til next weekend … ’cause the stupid trip is all weekend. Grr.

Well, last night I broke up with Justin. And I’m back with Brad. But why do I feel so shitty? Justin’s all sad now … Ashley said he told her that he was and that he really liked me. And then I go and do this to him. Even after I said that I wouldn’t. And then I tell Brad that I probably wouldn’t go back out with him ’cause of Justin. But then I do … what is wrong with me? Why do I make promises that I can’t keep? What kind of girlfriend am I? This whole thing was my fault. If I had just made sure with Brad that dating Justin was okay, and he had said no, none of this would’ve happened. This past weekend was nothing how I expected it to go. I made two guys who really like me feel like crap, I feel shitty making them feel like that, and now I feel like crap, just for, like doing this to them. Brad like loves me more than anything, and I was just like, yeah I know. Time will tell. Blah blah blah. Then I tell Justin to not worry about me going back to my ex. But then, look what happens. I go back on my word. I make a promise and I break it. WTF? This is exactly what I try to NOT do! I’m not a liar or a cheater — then again, I AM. I broke two guys’ hearts in a 24-hour period. Even though one of them has been “put back together” Man, words cannot explain how I feel right now. I wish I could like mesh Justin and Brad together and go out with that person, however they turn out. Why did this have to happen? I didn’t mean to do this! I really didn’t. All I wanted was someone to love me … and it’s like I’ll do anything to get it, including going out with someone a week after I break up with the other, even though we never officially did *sigh* At least I learned something from all this. We all did. I learned to not just throw my love around like that. Justin learned to not go out with people who had just been through a break up. Brad learned to express his feelings more, I think. Something along those lines … or else he never would’ve lost me And before I “dumped” Justin, he was like, “do I lose you?” I felt so bad answering that, like a dagger had been shoved through my heart. I never really said that I wanted to be with Brad, but I kinda hinted at it and then he was like, “you know what? Just go out with him. He loves you, and besides, we’ve only been going out for a week. You guys went out for 4 months. And you love each other. I’ll be fine.” I was like, woah … are you sure? He was like “yeah, stop drawing it out.” I wasn’t trying to or anything (just trying to make the right choice), but he apologized for saying that afterwards. But still, it sucked. And it still does. I can’t get over doing this to him. It’s like I used him or something. God, that sounds horrible. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad to be back with Brad, and I’m sure he is too (hell, he thought some of the paintings in his art history class looked liked me), but Justin must be heartbroken. He’s at class right now so I can’t really talk to him or anything … but damn. I can’t believe he doesn’t hate me. He has every right to, I mean, look what happened. He even still wants to be friends, which I’m glad is true, but it’s surprising that he does with what he had to go through ’cause of me *sigh* I am never gonna do this again. Get stuck between two guys again, that both wanna be with me more than anything in the world. And don’t anybody else go and try it — trust me, it is the worst feeling ever, knowing that someone’s gonna get hurt no matter what you do. Especially if you’re an emotional person like me and actually care about other people’s feelings. And damn, I can’t believe that out of all the shitty guys in the world, I found two of the actual nice ones, and made them both feel like I’m one of the “player girls”. Even though I’m NOT. That’s the last thing I wanna be labeled as. And out of all my friends who I tried to talk to about this, no one understood except Lee. Not Shaune, not Laura, not Alex, not Monica, nobody … didn’t get a chance to talk to Kristen, but Lee definitely gave me good advice — which was basically to follow my heart. And she’s like never on, either. Everyone else was like, aw I’m sorry, I hope things go okay … but Lee was the only one who actually tried to help me make it better. Man, she rocks. But yeah. This entry was really long, haha, but I just needed to get all this out about how horrible a person I think I am right now. If you actually read all this — thanks. Even more if you understand what I’m going through.