Well, last night I broke up with Justin. And I’m back with Brad. But why do I feel so shitty? Justin’s all sad now … Ashley said he told her that he was and that he really liked me. And then I go and do this to him. Even after I said that I wouldn’t. And then I tell Brad that I probably wouldn’t go back out with him ’cause of Justin. But then I do … what is wrong with me? Why do I make promises that I can’t keep? What kind of girlfriend am I? This whole thing was my fault. If I had just made sure with Brad that dating Justin was okay, and he had said no, none of this would’ve happened. This past weekend was nothing how I expected it to go. I made two guys who really like me feel like crap, I feel shitty making them feel like that, and now I feel like crap, just for, like doing this to them. Brad like loves me more than anything, and I was just like, yeah I know. Time will tell. Blah blah blah. Then I tell Justin to not worry about me going back to my ex. But then, look what happens. I go back on my word. I make a promise and I break it. WTF? This is exactly what I try to NOT do! I’m not a liar or a cheater — then again, I AM. I broke two guys’ hearts in a 24-hour period. Even though one of them has been “put back together” Man, words cannot explain how I feel right now. I wish I could like mesh Justin and Brad together and go out with that person, however they turn out. Why did this have to happen? I didn’t mean to do this! I really didn’t. All I wanted was someone to love me … and it’s like I’ll do anything to get it, including going out with someone a week after I break up with the other, even though we never officially did *sigh* At least I learned something from all this. We all did. I learned to not just throw my love around like that. Justin learned to not go out with people who had just been through a break up. Brad learned to express his feelings more, I think. Something along those lines … or else he never would’ve lost me And before I “dumped” Justin, he was like, “do I lose you?” I felt so bad answering that, like a dagger had been shoved through my heart. I never really said that I wanted to be with Brad, but I kinda hinted at it and then he was like, “you know what? Just go out with him. He loves you, and besides, we’ve only been going out for a week. You guys went out for 4 months. And you love each other. I’ll be fine.” I was like, woah … are you sure? He was like “yeah, stop drawing it out.” I wasn’t trying to or anything (just trying to make the right choice), but he apologized for saying that afterwards. But still, it sucked. And it still does. I can’t get over doing this to him. It’s like I used him or something. God, that sounds horrible. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad to be back with Brad, and I’m sure he is too (hell, he thought some of the paintings in his art history class looked liked me), but Justin must be heartbroken. He’s at class right now so I can’t really talk to him or anything … but damn. I can’t believe he doesn’t hate me. He has every right to, I mean, look what happened. He even still wants to be friends, which I’m glad is true, but it’s surprising that he does with what he had to go through ’cause of me *sigh* I am never gonna do this again. Get stuck between two guys again, that both wanna be with me more than anything in the world. And don’t anybody else go and try it — trust me, it is the worst feeling ever, knowing that someone’s gonna get hurt no matter what you do. Especially if you’re an emotional person like me and actually care about other people’s feelings. And damn, I can’t believe that out of all the shitty guys in the world, I found two of the actual nice ones, and made them both feel like I’m one of the “player girls”. Even though I’m NOT. That’s the last thing I wanna be labeled as. And out of all my friends who I tried to talk to about this, no one understood except Lee. Not Shaune, not Laura, not Alex, not Monica, nobody … didn’t get a chance to talk to Kristen, but Lee definitely gave me good advice — which was basically to follow my heart. And she’s like never on, either. Everyone else was like, aw I’m sorry, I hope things go okay … but Lee was the only one who actually tried to help me make it better. Man, she rocks. But yeah. This entry was really long, haha, but I just needed to get all this out about how horrible a person I think I am right now. If you actually read all this — thanks. Even more if you understand what I’m going through.