Well, since FTP is fucked up again, I have NO idea where Brad is (or any of my friends for that matter), no one is online, I can’t go anywhere outside ’cause it’s raining … tonight pretty much sucks. Plus, my stupid allergies (or whatever they are) are acting up again, and my eyes feel like falling out. I feel like crying. Why can’t things be how they were in June, before Australia, VA Beach, Canada, Brad in Colorado, and all the other stupid shit that happened? *sigh* I haven’t talked to Brad in person in like 1 1/2 days. Haven’t seen him in 3. Haven’t seen Shaune in like a gajillion years. Me stuck at home on a Friday night is nothing new, but school will be starting soon, and this is not good for getting the most out of summer. Grr, I want to do something! I feel so crappy, and maybe getting out of the house will help, but no, I can’t, it’s raining. I’m so pissed, Brad SAID he would call me last night, but no, big surprise, he didn’t. He said that the night before, too, but the result was still the same. Ya know, that is my biggest pet peeve, people saying that they’ll do something, but don’t. Especially when it’s your boyfriend *cries* It seems like he doesn’t love me as much as he did. Just read last night’s post and you’ll get what I mean. All I’ve been doing the past few days is internet stuff and Hanson trades. That’s ALL. Nothing with Brad, Shaune, ANYBODY! I seriously think people hate me now. No one ever calls me anymore. What did I do to them? I feel so miserable now, it’s not even funny. I don’t know, I’m just bitching again. Sorry, I can’t help it, I’m just really pissed right now. Might as well go do more summer reading. Nothing better to do. See ya tomorrow with details of how Brad didn’t call me (about biking or going to the fair) again.

Okay, second try. Stupid computer froze. Anyway. If only? Yeah, right. If only Brad would call me when he says he will. If only Brad would love me as much as he did when we first started going out. If only this whole Bolt profile thing (the sexy question) hadn’t started, I probably would still be blindly believing that Brad rocks. I mean, everything’s fine when we talk on the phone and in person and stuff, but I keep noticing these tiny details that wave a red flag in my face and tell me to think twice about my “dream guy.” It’s like I have to initiate everything in this relationship … from calling first to suggesting when we should hang out. And then most of the time Brad’s like, oh, I can’t, I’m busy, I don’t know my schedule yet. Um, how about we decide on a date and time, and then you can work around that? Is that like wrong or something? And there’s gotta some time in his “busy” and “unknown” schedule to see me more than once a week. I mean, before we were hanging out almost every day! I think I’m about to go crazy. He’s not even in school anymore … that starts August 26th or sometime around there. Geez … there are only so many things/errands that a person needs to do. And then when we do get to see each other, it’s either for only like 3 or 4 hours (a short time to me), or it’s with one of his friends. Don’t get me wrong, his friends are cool and stuff, but a person, especially a girlfriend, would like some “alone time” with her boyfriend every so often, don’t you think? Especially after not seeing him in forever? *sigh* I SO bet I’m just over-analyzing again, but hey, a person can rant, can’t they? I just miss him. And I’m still kinda pissed about Lindsey, his “perfect girl,” whose mom won’t allow him to see, talk to, or associate whatsoever anymore with. I bet that if he was still allowed to see her, I would never have met Brad. I’d be history and still lonely and depressed. He’d be off in la-la land with Lindsey, the girl who can “instantly make him feel happy when he feels like dying.” Hello, Brad? What about me? Your girlfriend? The person you love and soley work for (at least that’s what you said a month ago)? I’m here! Don’t I make you instantly feel happy when you’re bummed? I try, at least, to do that, and please forgive me if my shyness/quietness gets in the way. That’s how I am. If it is, please tell me! I, for one, want things to go right. If I don’t do this … then maybe we should re-think “us.” Obviously this girl is better for you than me — who cares if you can’t see her anymore, she’s still number 1 to you — and you only going out with me ’cause I’m second-best is not something I put up with. I’m not like suggesting that we DO break up, but if I’m not everything you’ve wished for and more, why are we together? Sure, I love you with all my heart, and sure, I’ll cry and get depressed if we do end it, but I want you to be happy, and if I don’t make you feel that 100% … then, I really hate to say this, but it should end. I dread those words so much. I’d give anything for it to not happen, but if you’re suffering ’cause of me, it’s the right thing to do. And back to the Bolt thing … before I found out about the whole Lindsey thing, the girl who you said was the sexiest ever was your now-ex girlfriend, Katie. If when you were with her, you could list her as sexy, and now list another ex, WHEN WITH ME, as sexy, then why can’t you list me, your CURRENT girlfriend, as sexy as well? You’ve told me before that I am! What is up with that? I’m sorry, I know that sounds incredibly selfish, but think about it. How would you feel if your boyfriend did that? Maybe it’s not even intentional. Maybe I just have no life and notice these things ’cause I don’t have a job. I can’t help it if I’ve been on vacation all summer and didn’t have time to apply for, must less start one. Starting riding would suck ’cause I hate Woodlawn. I do like all these errand-type things each day, but still have a ton of free time on my hands. Even after reading 35 pages of summer reading. Like now. When Dad and Ross aren’t home at some freako tennis thing *sigh* I feel kinda better after getting that all out. I just wish that Brad could read this, UNBIASED and UNJUDGING, and give me answers. Not get mad over what I say, but pick out the problems and have us talk seriously about them. Especially the whole Lindsey/perfect girl question issue. That’s what really irks me. He SAID he still cared about her in his email to me about it. And that they were “practically in love, but he says practically ’cause the paradise didn’t last long.” I couldn’t believe he said paradise. I almost started to cry. Aren’t you in paradise with me? Aren’t you supposed to love your current partner more than your exes? ‘Cause if you don’t, somethings wrong. And I really don’t feel like finding out that’s true NOW after 2 1/2 months of pure bliss. Well, at least that was what I felt until now. I still love Brad, and I know he loves me. It’s just a question of how much, and if he still has feelings for Lindsey (and Katie?), and if I make his world go round. Damn, that was long entry.

It’s like LFO’s song “28 Days:”

28 days ’til I see you
I know it seems too long but listen
I gotta do what I gotta do …

Hmm, that sounds familiar *cries*

Longing for a happy thought from me? Well, here ya go: I just found out that rockstar87 and redmeridian have listed me as a favorite diary! Yay! And I thought no one came here …

*happy sigh* I’d definitely say that today made up for yesterday being crappy day number 2, hehe. First, my Hanson tape with a ton of appearances on it that I didn’t have came in the mail from a trade I’m doing (yay!), and second, I got to spend like 4 hours with Brad (which totally rocked ’cause I hadn’t seen him in almost a week). Oh, note to self: download Puff Daddy’s “Come to Me.” Haha … and stuff from Sucker, too. By the way, I’m wearing my new jeans today that I got from Macy’s on Saturday. They’re the cool kind with button slits from the knee down — I love pants like that! Hehe. I have like 2 other pairs, too. OMG, and I saw the awesomest (lol) pants at Macy’s when I got the jeans, but they were like $58.00, and my dad was like, no. They were khakis and had lots of little silver studs on them. I was practically drooling over them. They rocked. Okay, well enough about the cool pants I’m gonna go now and finish watching my new Hanson video and make that tape for Dayna (who sent me the video), but I’ll probably be back on later with an update … if anyone even reads this one, haha. Bye!

I feel like punching something. I just spent the whole night sitting here waiting for Christina to call so that we can go to the movies. But no, she doesn’t call. Doesn’t even get online to tell me what’s up. Does she not wanna be friends or something? I mean, yeah, we don’t talk 24/7 or anything, but that doesn’t mean that she can blow me off or whatever. Besides, I had (and still have) nothing to do today (which was why I wanted to hang out with her). Grr … I’m so pissed. I HATE HAVING NOTHING TO DO! I mean, I would be doing my summer reading right now, but I’m waiting for her sorry ass to get online so I can *yell* at her. Actually, no, screw her. I’m just gonna go and sign off (and start reading) after I write this and finish talking to Shaune so that I can start feeling better about my day. Hmm … here’s what I did so far: got up, went online, had lunch, took a shower, called Christina, drove Ross to the metro, called Christina 3 more times, had dinner, waited for her to call back, went online again, and now I’m here. Exciting, huh? Unless she apologizes or something, I’m not too happy about our *friendship* (or lack thereof) right now. Hello, has she even heard of the PHONE? *sigh* Sorry, I’m just mad. Anyway … “love-wise” (hehe), Brad called me twice, which was awesome. Can’t wait to see him tomorrow! And if my luck holds out, I’ll be able to something with Shaune AND Brad, which will definitely make up for this crappy day. Hehe, yay Well, I’m gonna go and finish up talking to Shaune now, so ttyl! Bye!

Okay, FTP is being stupid and not letting me upload anything so I decided to write in here to waste as much time as possible so it can start working again, lol *sigh* Wonder what I’m gonna do today … probably not anything with Brad ’cause he’s gonna be exhausted from the anime thing … Shaune has work, I think … Anna’s never home … Brandon’s gone ’til Christmas in the army (*sniff* didn’t get to say goodbye … ), and yeah, that’s about all my local friends. I would do something with Christina, but she’s not on, and that’s like our main way of talking, haha. Hmmm … oh well, maybe I’ll go biking or read more of my annoying summer books — 70 pages in 1 down, 300 to go, and 3 more books after that … all due before Sept. 6. Haha, I’m screwed, but oh well. I’m stuck at school 4 days before it actually starts (WHAT THE FUCK?) so I’ll have plenty of time then to finish up any last-minute summer stuff. Dude, and I was all set to go to Baltimore yesterday, but when I talked to Brad about it on the phone, we decided that it wouldn’t work. The obvious reason was that I didn’t know squat about anime and that was all the people there were gonna talk about (I was just going to be with him & check out what anime is like) — but then there was no way to get to his house ’cause him picking me up was out of the way to get to Baltimore, the stupid bus left at the wrong time, and Dad still won’t let me drive to Fair Oaks … grrr — he was also really stressed out from having to drive 2 hours (more or less) there & back, plus there was an Orioles game yesterday so parking would’ve been insane. He also had to get gas, stop by his grandparents’ house, find a white ribbon for his friend’s costume, do laundry, and probably about a million other little things. And I definitely know how that can get annoying … man, I hope he’s okay. He told me he didn’t get to sleep ’til 4 am (and got up at 9 am) 2 nights ago ’cause he spent the whole night talking with his friends there … and then said that last night probably wasn’t gonna be any different. Well, he’s coming back this afternoon, so hopefully he’ll call me *sometime* today. If not, I’ll understand that he’s probably crashed out on the couch or something, lol. Oh, and I tried to apply for a job at Sam Goody last night while we were at Fair Oaks, but the manager said that there wasn’t enough time between now and when I start school for me to start. But then she said that if I come back during Thanksgiving break and apply for working most of Christmas break, then that would be good. Yay! ‘Cause I was really looking forward to working there (as weird as that may sound). I’m a huge music person, and it’d be my first job, so yeah. Hopefully I’ll like it Besides, I talked to some girl who worked there awhile ago, and when I told her that I was 16 (I’m 17 now) & didn’t have a job, she was like, “OMG, you have to work here!” Hehe … ’cause she was quitting that day for school or something. So I’m like, okay, why not? PLUS, Fair Oaks is like 10 minutes. from Brad’s house, so he could come & see me sometimes, hehe Anyway, well I’m gonna go & work on downloading songs for Dad’s CD now, so TTYL! Bye!

Aw. I love Brad. When we talked today (2 times so far), he thanked me for doing little stuff, like reminding him what the title of the Gorillaz song is (”Clint Eastwood”) and for waking him up (so he could call work and say he couldn’t come ’cause he was sick … he’s mostly better now, though). Hehe, I was like, aww! Yeah, I know it’s not that big a deal, but it makes you feel good! And I get to go with him to Baltimore all day tomorrow, which will be awesome (even if the anime stuff turns out to not be my day at the beach) ’cause I’ll just be with him Hopefully Dad’ll pick me up from there, ’cause I don’t feel like trying to get to the train station (I don’t even know where it is) and getting the reserved ticket … I’d have to take a cab there, too, ’cause Brad doesn’t know where it is, either. But oh well … that’s the least of my worries right now. And I’ll try not to think about the hell of a time I had last night trying to drive the stick with Dad. I stalled like 20 times, made the tires squeal when stopped on a TINY hill, and can’t shift smoothly. Grr, it’s so annoying! I swear, I was not put on this earth to drive a stick, lol. It’s so frusturating — if I ever master it, I don’t know what I’m gonna do with myself, haha. How did Shaune do it? *weird sigh* LOL. Well, I’m gonna go now and try to find a cool Bolt-like site online, so ttyl!

Man, today was pretty awesome! Besides being Brad and I’s two-month anniversary (yay!), I went driving in the now “fire-ized” stick again with Dad (and am actually good, hehe!), spent the day at the pool with Shaune just laying there, reading magazines, listening to music, and chillin’ in the water, and am also like 2 songs away from being able to burn a fourth full CD from this computer Ah, life is beautiful (as Shaune said in her email to the guy who is obsessed over her at Matchmaker, lol). PLUS, I’m about to launch my personal site … well not really launch it, per say, ’cause I have no content yet (have the main graphic, though), but wouldn’t it be awesome to start it on Brad and I’s anniversary? And since it IS a personal site, that’d be appropriate. The title’s “Universe” (my favorite Savage Garden song, if you’re wondering), and the colors are gonna be black, white, lilac, and gray. I’m also gonna try to have a nice little space-y theme going, too … oh, and check out its slogan I made up: “taking space to the limit.” Cool, no? Anyway, so I’m psyched about that, and actually should be getting started on it soon. Plus, I wanna try and catch Jay Leno tonight ’cause Lonestar’s gonna be on and will hopefully sing their latest single, “I’m Already There,” which is unofficially Brad and I’s song … well, in my mind, that is. Hehe. TTYL!