Okay, second try. Stupid computer froze. Anyway. If only? Yeah, right. If only Brad would call me when he says he will. If only Brad would love me as much as he did when we first started going out. If only this whole Bolt profile thing (the sexy question) hadn’t started, I probably would still be blindly believing that Brad rocks. I mean, everything’s fine when we talk on the phone and in person and stuff, but I keep noticing these tiny details that wave a red flag in my face and tell me to think twice about my “dream guy.” It’s like I have to initiate everything in this relationship … from calling first to suggesting when we should hang out. And then most of the time Brad’s like, oh, I can’t, I’m busy, I don’t know my schedule yet. Um, how about we decide on a date and time, and then you can work around that? Is that like wrong or something? And there’s gotta some time in his “busy” and “unknown” schedule to see me more than once a week. I mean, before we were hanging out almost every day! I think I’m about to go crazy. He’s not even in school anymore … that starts August 26th or sometime around there. Geez … there are only so many things/errands that a person needs to do. And then when we do get to see each other, it’s either for only like 3 or 4 hours (a short time to me), or it’s with one of his friends. Don’t get me wrong, his friends are cool and stuff, but a person, especially a girlfriend, would like some “alone time” with her boyfriend every so often, don’t you think? Especially after not seeing him in forever? *sigh* I SO bet I’m just over-analyzing again, but hey, a person can rant, can’t they? I just miss him. And I’m still kinda pissed about Lindsey, his “perfect girl,” whose mom won’t allow him to see, talk to, or associate whatsoever anymore with. I bet that if he was still allowed to see her, I would never have met Brad. I’d be history and still lonely and depressed. He’d be off in la-la land with Lindsey, the girl who can “instantly make him feel happy when he feels like dying.” Hello, Brad? What about me? Your girlfriend? The person you love and soley work for (at least that’s what you said a month ago)? I’m here! Don’t I make you instantly feel happy when you’re bummed? I try, at least, to do that, and please forgive me if my shyness/quietness gets in the way. That’s how I am. If it is, please tell me! I, for one, want things to go right. If I don’t do this … then maybe we should re-think “us.” Obviously this girl is better for you than me — who cares if you can’t see her anymore, she’s still number 1 to you — and you only going out with me ’cause I’m second-best is not something I put up with. I’m not like suggesting that we DO break up, but if I’m not everything you’ve wished for and more, why are we together? Sure, I love you with all my heart, and sure, I’ll cry and get depressed if we do end it, but I want you to be happy, and if I don’t make you feel that 100% … then, I really hate to say this, but it should end. I dread those words so much. I’d give anything for it to not happen, but if you’re suffering ’cause of me, it’s the right thing to do. And back to the Bolt thing … before I found out about the whole Lindsey thing, the girl who you said was the sexiest ever was your now-ex girlfriend, Katie. If when you were with her, you could list her as sexy, and now list another ex, WHEN WITH ME, as sexy, then why can’t you list me, your CURRENT girlfriend, as sexy as well? You’ve told me before that I am! What is up with that? I’m sorry, I know that sounds incredibly selfish, but think about it. How would you feel if your boyfriend did that? Maybe it’s not even intentional. Maybe I just have no life and notice these things ’cause I don’t have a job. I can’t help it if I’ve been on vacation all summer and didn’t have time to apply for, must less start one. Starting riding would suck ’cause I hate Woodlawn. I do like all these errand-type things each day, but still have a ton of free time on my hands. Even after reading 35 pages of summer reading. Like now. When Dad and Ross aren’t home at some freako tennis thing *sigh* I feel kinda better after getting that all out. I just wish that Brad could read this, UNBIASED and UNJUDGING, and give me answers. Not get mad over what I say, but pick out the problems and have us talk seriously about them. Especially the whole Lindsey/perfect girl question issue. That’s what really irks me. He SAID he still cared about her in his email to me about it. And that they were “practically in love, but he says practically ’cause the paradise didn’t last long.” I couldn’t believe he said paradise. I almost started to cry. Aren’t you in paradise with me? Aren’t you supposed to love your current partner more than your exes? ‘Cause if you don’t, somethings wrong. And I really don’t feel like finding out that’s true NOW after 2 1/2 months of pure bliss. Well, at least that was what I felt until now. I still love Brad, and I know he loves me. It’s just a question of how much, and if he still has feelings for Lindsey (and Katie?), and if I make his world go round. Damn, that was long entry.

It’s like LFO’s song “28 Days:”

28 days ’til I see you
I know it seems too long but listen
I gotta do what I gotta do …

Hmm, that sounds familiar *cries*

Longing for a happy thought from me? Well, here ya go: I just found out that rockstar87 and redmeridian have listed me as a favorite diary! Yay! And I thought no one came here …