Yum. Just finished a pack of Arthur chewy fruit snacks. LOL. I’m addicted to those things. Anyway, today was a good day for getting my mind off Brad, lol. Seeing as how I’m already sliding into depression even though we haven’t officially broken up yet *sigh* I still can’t believe it … I am so not looking forward to another long time of singleton — hopefully Alex or that other guy from MatchMaker will find some kinda romantic spark in me, lol. But oh well. Onto the good stuff. The Toyota now has a NEW CD player and radio! Plus NEW blue fire seat covers! Yay! I was so happy when Dad let me get the seat covers, ’cause they match the steering wheel cover and dice … so yeah. Can’t wait to put them in tomorrow. Then he got me a new bluish/purplish phone for my room since the other one broke. It’s cool ’cause now I have a cordless and can program my OWN speed dial numbers, haha. Can’t wait ’til it’s finished charging (is 16 hours too long of an initial charge time? Me thinks so, lol! ) … and then (no “and then”!), I got a fire folder, pencil case, and shoelaces (yes, I know, very random) at Hot Topic. Dunno what I’m gonna use the shoelaces for (folder and pencil case = school) … just thought they looked cool. And hey, they were only $2.50. LOL. Dammit, Alex needs to get on. He said he got back from New York tonight. Even though I don’t know when, I gotta talk to him about hopefully seeing him tomorrow. ‘Cause I’m going to New York (a different part, lol) on Sunday … and then like 2 days after I get back I get to go to school for like forever, lol … so I wanna see him again before hell starts *sigh* I still wonder what he thinks of me … whether he likes me as a friend or as more than that … oh well *shrugs* Ooh, happy thought: wonder if he’ll wanna call me at school? LOL, I dunno, whatever he wants to do is cool with me. I think I’ve run out of things to say now, but since I got nothing else to do online, I figured I’m gonna blab until I either get too tired to type or until Alex gets on. Haha. Okay, ’cause I’m bored, I’m gonna write out what I’m gonna wear tomorrow and crap like that *insert usual morning shower first* Shirt = new Gap shirt I got yesterday: black, sleeveless with red and white weird Ed’s diner/vintage-looking stuff on it, and my flare Gap pants. Damn, I’m going “Gap-py”, aren’t I? LOL. For shoes I’m probably gonna wear my sneakers in case I drive there (and they’ll go with the shirt anyway). Accessories = new fire necklace I got last night at Tysons, watch, and hair band … maybe silver ring if it looks right. Then I just gotta toss my fire wallet into the van (yes, if you haven’t noticed yet, I’m obsessed with fire stuff, lol), grab the keys, and go. That’s assuming I get the van. Hopefully Dad will believe another one of my spending-the-day-with-Shaune stories and not find out that I went all the way to Maryland. And that’s assuming that Shaune still wants to go and CAN go and won’t leave me stranded again. Oh well, at least I know the way this time And if Shaune has to pick me up from here, that’s fine, too. As long as it’s cool with her (and Alex) that we spend the day at his (amazing) place, I’m happy. And it’ll take some of the Brad-sadness off me (hopefully). Oh well … what to write … Alex still isn’t on, haha. I’m beginning to think that he won’t get on AT ALL tonight. Hmmm … maybe he got a late flight or whatever and is dead tired or something. And obviously already went to bed. Although it’s only 12:41 am now. I’ll stay on like another half hour and if he doesn’t show up then I’m going to sleep. And hey, if he doesn’t show up tomorrow either, I can still call Shaune and we can do something else … like go to the pool or show off our new fire stuff to each other or something. Haha, that’d be funny … showing off our fire stuff. Makes ya wonder what else people do when they’re bored. LOL. Ah, YAY! Alex just got on! *dances around the room* Haha, sorry, mini-teeny attack there Grr … one question: why is it that guys never message you first? Why’s it always gotta be that YOU be the first to message THEM? Does anyone else find that annoying? Haha, well gonna go now and talk to Alex, so ttyl — bye!

Okay, cross out me going to Alex’s. He can’t. And insert the whole above rambling into Tuesday or Wednesday when I probably WILL see him. And insert me trying out my new phone, fire stuff, and car tomorrow … and hopefully seeing Shaune if she has time. Yeah, I’m kinda bummed about not being able to see him … but yay, he said *hugs* at the end of our convo. Hehe. Things are well in the world of Claire

*cries* Get ready for another long episode of sadness. Brad finally called me, and after talking for awhile, I have a feeling that we’re gonna have to break up I really don’t want to, I love him so much. And after almost 3 months together, it has to end. Why? I thought he was the one, I really thought that this was gonna work, but no. And even though he doesn’t want to end it either, he’s too busy with work and school and stuff, and he barely has time for that, much less me, friends, family, etc. And it’s just gonna get harder when I go back to school and his workload gets heavier and stuff … and just, *sigh*, I can’t believe it. As No Doubt would put it, I’m gonna be another ex-girlfriend. I just hope that if we do have to end it (god forbid), I won’t get depressed and cry all day and stuff. I know I probably will, though … and I just realized that whatever happens, whether we stay together or break up, I’m gonna be hurting either way. Never seeing him = hurt and breaking up (of course) = hurt. Why is love so fuckin’ hard? Plus, probably nothing is gonna happen next summer ’cause if his friend gets him this job in Annapolis, we wouldn’t be able to get back together ’cause that’s like 2 hours away *sigh again* I just want someone who’ll love me forever and ever and ever … is that too much to ask?

At least he still wants to be friends if we do break up … not sure if that’s a good or bad thing … ?

Okay, it’s official. I guess. I am horrible with guys. Either I unconsciously do something that makes them not want to hang out with me anymore, or I’m just not as interesting in person as I am over the net. Brad like hates me now for some reason I don’t know, Alex doesn’t talk to me as much as he used to … and on the girl side, Christina just plain doesn’t talk to me. What is up with that? The only thing I can think of is that after we meet, I’m always happy to see them online so I IM them … but then I notice that they never IM me. It’s always me doing the initiating. But … why does that happen? That shouldn’t be enough to sacrifice a friend/relationship! I mean, in person, everything is perfect … it’s just the online, non face-to-face stuff that gets me. If someone knows what the hell I’m doing wrong, then please let me know. I’m tired of getting my hopes up about getting to be good friends with these people, only to be shot down and ignored *sigh* The only person who actually still “liked” me after our first few meetings was Brandon, but he’s away in North Carolina in the army until Christmas. So, that doesn’t help much. On another note, even though I stayed up ’til 2 am last night watching some stupid TLC show which never turned out to be as interesting as I thought, and it’s 10 am now, and I’m not tired. I rearranged my room yesterday, and I think it looks much better. Basically all I did was put another level onto my dresser to make room for more stuff, and then clear off my desk area and organize all my CDs more … and that was basically it. But I love my room now, hehe … except for the book Endurance that’s lying on my desk, 10 pages into, dying to be finished. I don’t even know if I can read any more. My brain has been fried from the past 3 weeks of 40-pages-a-night sessions … and reading now is something that I have to force myself to do … ’cause I just can’t stand it. The only book that I semi-liked was Ethan Frome ’cause the plot kinda resembled what was going on with me and Alex … but oh well. And also probably ’cause it was only 77 pages long. Hehe. By the way, my favorite song at the moment is “Feed It” by The Candyskins (from The Waterboy soundtrack). It rocks Well, g2g check email and do all that fun stuff, so ttyl!

By the way, I called Brad yesterday. Of course, I had to ’cause he “doesn’t want to anymore” or something We talked for like 5 minutes … from his voice it was like I was bothering him. God, WTF? Can’t he just TELL ME if I’m being an annoyance to him? ‘Cause if so, I’ll stop and put you out of your misery. Then at the end, he mumbled “I love you” and it didn’t even sound like he meant it. I dunno, maybe he was just tired ’cause he said he was more than usual, but that shouldn’t inhibit your emotional speaking ability, right? *big sigh*

Man, today was SO cool! I told my dad that I was going to Shaune’s for the day, when really I was driving about 40 minutes to Potomac, MD to this guy Alex’s house that I’d never met before (we started talking after he found me on MatchMaker a few days ago) — plus, I took the Beltway and stuff to his house, which Dad would never let me do otherwise (one reason I didn’t tell him where I was really going) … and everything went fine, so I don’t see what the big deal is. I love driving long distances (for some insane reason)! Then when I get to Alex’s … his house is HUGE! And I mean, HUGE! It was so cool, like it’s out in the country where all the rich people live, lol, and he has like 3 floors, like 5 sets of stairs, an inside jacuzzi, the coolest room, a dog and a cat, a cool backyard (even though I didn’t see it, it’s gotta be awesome, lol), and a ton of other stuff. A huge stereo system in the living room, too … and some kinda black convertible Jaguar thing in the garage … even though it’s his dad’s I was just like, omg woah, dude, you have a nice house! Basically all we did (after me parking, staring in disbelief at the coolness of the house, the usual awkward introduction, and seeing his room, which was also very cool, and other little random stuff) was go out to lunch at Sbarro and play TimeSplitters, which was interesting. He kept killing me Hehe. I think he likes me. He’s really sweet and shy, although the only thing I don’t really like about him is that he does pot … but I think he’s only a social “druggie” (if that’s even the right term … ) — ’cause he didn’t do anything while I was there. Hehe, it was so cute, like he kept looking over at me and giving me these little smiles, hehe … but don’t worry, I’m not gonna like cheat on Brad or anything. I don’t like him 100% in that way yet … it’s more like around 50% But hey, if anything ever goes wrong with Brad and I, you know who I’ll be looking at Haha. Damn, I know that’s a bad thing to say … but I can’t help it. Oh well, I guess I’m just like this ’cause everything went cool and Dad didn’t catch me and he likes me and we’re friends now and stuff. Hehe. Well, I’m gonna work on my personal site some more now, so ttyl! By the way, I got my automatic clique up last night, so if you want to check it out and hopefully join, click here! Thanks and bye bye *hugs* (what Alex said to me last night before we went to bed at like 2:30 am )

Another plus about Alex is that he doesn’t care that I like Hanson! Unlike Brad, who completely freaked out when he saw my room and would rather me put up other stuff on my walls, Alex thinks it’s cool and actually wants me to bring my Hanson CDs to his house so that he can hear what their new stuff sounds like. How awesome is that? I was like, yay! *score*

Okay, ’cause I’m bored, I’m gonna list what he looked like and was wearing. I know, I’m a freak Anyway, first of all, he has shoulder-length blond hair, hazel eyes (like me!), and a goatee-type thing. He had on these dark green cargo pants, brown leather sandals, a black shirt, and brown jacket. Kinda nature-y, you could say He also had this gold necklace, but I dunno what the symbol was for. Oh, and also on only ONE hand and foot, he had chipped dark blue nail polish. I was like, hmm, okay, if that’s your thing, go for it! Hehe … his hair was also in a ponytail. Well, Dad’s bugging me to go to bed now, so ttyl! Updates about Pennsylvania and stuff next week to come. Bye!

OMG. Instead of thinking that I might cry, I am crying. Well, sorta … my eyes are watery Anyway, I just read through Brad’s MatchMaker profile, and get this, he TOOK OUT/DELETED the part about already meeting his perfect person (me) and that he loves me! Does this mean he doesn’t love me anymore? I so have a feeling that he’s gonna break up with me when school starts ’cause he can’t “handle” long-distance relationships. Really, I think it’s ’cause he doesn’t care about me that much anymore. He never calls or IMs me first, never says “I love you” anymore … and when I sent him a wink on MatchMaker today, he just deleted it *sigh* Why does this always happen to me? Can’t I find “the one”? I truly thought it was Brad, but no, everything seems to come before me now — his friends, video games, work, etc. I’m so depressed … I thought he loved me! I love him so much, he means everything to me, I let him do stuff that I never thought I would … I don’t know what I’m gonna do when he ends it, ’cause I have a feeling he will. God, I just can’t describe what I’m feeling right now. A mixture of hate, love, confusion, anxiety, and sadness. First it was the Bolt thing, and now it’s the MatchMaker thing. What next? Me catching him cheating or something? *cries* All I want is someone who loves me. Someone I can talk to openly without worrying that they’ll judge me on what I say. Someone who’s funny and smart and HONEST and trustworthy. I don’t even think Brad wants to see me this week. We’re both going away on the weekends … he’s busy Friday … I told him I was free tomorrow night … then he’s like, I don’t know my schedule that much in advance. I mean, come on! It’s TOMORROW! If you don’t know, then why can’t you plan to do stuff with me? I dunno … I think I’m just gonna stop doing everything first in this relationship, ’cause I think he’s feeling smothered or something. I’m tired of it, too (initiating everything) … if he wants to see me, HE’S gonna have to ask. If I’m online and he wants to talk, HE’S gonna have to be the first to say hi. I know he’s more likely to just ignore me, but if that’s so, fuck him, I don’t need a guy who uses me. Which is kinda what it’s unraveling to … after looking at all of this from afar, that’s what it seems to me. FUCK. Someone please fix my blindness.

By the way, I’ve been spinning the song “Who Do You Love” by The Moffatts repeatedly tonight — it’s exactly how I feel

A lot of little things happened today. First, I saw Chris Healey (Kensington St. neighbor) at Blockbuster while waiting for Shaune to get off work, which was unexpected, yet cool!

Then, while at Tysons with Shaune, guess what song was playing on the little mall radio thingy — “MMMBop”! I totally flipped, I mean, how often does a mall play Hanson? I was like, omg, it’s “MMMBop”! Shaune was like, that’s great, Claire. Haha.

Also, since I was pissed at Dad for not letting me drive more than 5 miles at once in any car, I was just like, okay, screw that, and drove Shaune and I to Tysons. And no, nothing bad happened. It went perfectly fine. I happen to like driving long distances ’cause I can listen to whatever music I want, as loud as I want, crappily sing along to what I want, and nobody cares, lol. Plus, it’s great for “me” time The only downside is if I have to drive the Toyota, which I suck at, then get frusturated with, then get upset … like today.

I was originally supposed to drive the Toyota to Blockbuster today at 4 to pick up Shaune, but before that, my dad suggested that I practice a little (hell, I needed it!), so I did. Big mistake. I did the worst job ever of backing out of the driveway (shaking like anything), couldn’t shift smoothly, Dad got in so I could watch his feet (made it look so damn easy), then I get in again, and no matter what I do, can’t even make the fuckin’ thing move. Didn’t matter what order I pushed in the gas and let off the clutch, it stalled every time. By then I’m on the verge of tears, ’cause days ago I could do it fine, and I didn’t know what was wrong with me (nervousness mixed with hot and humid weather?). Heck, I still don’t. I hate that car! Then Dad got in and drove us back home, and let me take the van (the good car) to Shaune’s. And again made driving the thing look (key word = look) so damn easy. I swear, I will never master the stick. The day I get myself a blue, automatic VW Beetle I will never ask for anything else in my life, lol. That’s how much I hate sticks. I gotta admit, though, to whatever extent of mad that Dad was in about my sucky driving, he still let me drive the van, when originally I was supposed to call Shaune and tell her that I couldn’t pick her up. I was surprised, ’cause Dad hardly ever changes his mind to something not in his favor. Oh well, gotta give him props for that.

Ooh, idea time! I’m so gonna make a clique for people who hate sticks. Ahh … that’s gonna be so mentally rewarding when I find out that I’m not alone in my car preferences lol.

OMG. I’m really gonna cry now. I just got off the phone with Brad, and he said that the reason he hadn’t seen and called me as much this week was ’cause he wanted to see what it’d be like when I was at school, where I only come home most weekends. Then he said that since he has a lot of female friends (who all like him), it’d be better for us to just be friends during school and see what happens during the summer, ’cause he wouldn’t wanna do anything with his female friends that would hurt me (since he would barely see me). He also said that being in a long-distance relationship would be hard on him. I mean, I understand where he’s coming from, it’ll be hard on me, too, and he said he doesn’t wanna break up with me either … but, I’m just like, shocked … I can’t believe it … I don’t wanna break up with him! *cries* I know that’d it probably be best, but still, I love him so much … I suggested that we try being together for the start of school, and then see what happens *sigh* I still can’t believe it … with how much we love each other, I thought we’d be together for a long time, if not forever. I don’t know what to do …